Portrait of an Abuser

This is a true story. I remembered it recently in the light of the Jian Ghomeshi scandal. I am acquainted with both parties involved. Names have been changed and the story altered slightly for anonymity.

Jane had worked as an administrative assistant for several years. She was hard-working and aimed to do her best. The position for executive secretary to the Chief Executive Officer became available in the company where she was employed. She applied. She was interviewed and then offered the job. What a great promotion! Jane was excited about her new position and looked forward to working for Mr. Smith.

After a week or two, it became apparent why Jane's predecessors never stayed long in the job. She was expected to run errands for Mr. Smith and his family such as picking up dry cleaning and other busy work, none of which was in her job description. She was also expected to complete her work on time regardless of how much of her day was taken away to fulfill these extraneous tasks. Mr. Smith deliberately found fault with her work and nit-picked it to death, requiring her to redo reports and letters repeatedly until he was satisfied. He also made a point of humiliating Jane by criticizing her harshly in front of visitors and clients. Sometimes there would be a respite in the cutting remarks, but it didn't last long. Jane tried to stick it out as long as she could, but the stress was too much to bear. In tears, she finally asked Mr. Smith why he treated her this way. His reply was, "Because I can." He was the boss. She was only his lowly secretary. It was his company. It was his ingenuity and savvy that made it what it was. Anyone working for him owed him for that privilege and in a sense was owned by him. Jane turned in her resignation that day.

There are three characteristics that mark Mr. Smith.

• Entitlement -  He was special. His position gave him the right to do as he pleased. He was above accountability.
• Lack of empathy - He was clueless as to the pain he was inflicting on others. They didn't have feelings because they were beneath him and, therefore, less than human.
• Power and control - If he said, "Jump!", the only question should be, "How high?" His unreasonable demands and treatment of others served to feed his sense of entitlement.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is the portrait of an abuser. The manifestations of the abuse may be different, running the gamut from subtle emotional manipulation to physical and sexual violence, but these telltale marks are the same. As the Bible says, by their fruit you will know them, and recognizing this toxic fruit is a first step to stopping abuse and helping the victims.