Tried With Fire

I wrote this post last year but never published it. Believe me, I would much rather that this issue be properly dealt with in Christian circles, and I never write about domestic abuse again, but that time has not come yet. Until Christians realize the damage we inflict on one another because of the horrible advice we give *, domestic abuse needs to be discussed openly with humility and repentance. Cancer is a horrible disease. While there are many very successful treatments, I know of no absolute cure that can guarantee eradication once and for all. Survivors still undergo regular monitoring in case there is a recurrence. When someone is diagnosed, treatment is initiated quickly because of cancer's propensity to spread. While it is not wrong to hope and pray that a cure will be found, if I was diagnosed, I would accept existing treatment even with its limitations. This doesn't indicate a lack of faith. Rather it is wisdom because I don't know the future. It would be fool...

I'm honored to share this post at Kaleoscope . This was written with prayer and tears because it strikes close to home.  "Do you promise to love, to cherish, to honor, to obey, forsaking all others, in sickness as well as in health, in adversity as well as in prosperity, for better or for worse, and to cleave only to him/her so long as you both shall live?" These are beautiful words, but they convey more than sentiment. This a solemn promise of commitment to one person for the rest of your life. While this vow does not mean there will be no struggles, this promise includes working together through the difficulties, holding fast, and seeking the good of one another no matter the circumstances. These vows are positive promises  to do  something. To love, cherish and honor... However, if you look at the flip side, these vows are promises  to not do  as well. Do you promise to not demean, to not forsake, and to not abuse? Do you promise to not abandon ...

It's hard to believe that it has been ten years. Ten years since his car pulled out of the driveway Ten years since he moved out of the house. Happy Valentine's Day! But not for me. At the time, I didn't know how I would survive emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I didn't know how I would recover from the betrayal and the pain. How could I possibly go on, let alone be there for our child? Looking back, it was only the grace of God that enabled me to get up each morning, not knowing what the future would bring, and stumble through the daily routine, even though the thought of living seemed to mock me. It was His grace that carried me through the added hell of complicated legal proceedings that only compounded the emotional devastation. Yet, here I am today a decade later and I'm still alive, probably living more freely than I ever have before. - Ten years ago, I was living in fear. Now I am at peace. - I was bound. Now I am free. For anyone hyperventila...

Left: The struggle to make sense of life when a parent leaves , Jonathan C. Edwards, Rainer Publishing, July 2016, 198 pages. When my ex-husband moved out and made it clear that he intended to pursue a divorce, I met another Christian woman who had been in my situation. She told me that the awful stories about children growing up with divorced parents don't have to come true. In fact, she believed that they could come through relatively unscathed. She meant to encourage me, but this was idealistic. If the obvious rebellion and acting out one usually thinks of is absent, then it would be easy to think that kids came through with nary a scratch. But given that divorce is such a traumatic event, how can children not be affected by it? How can there not be wounds when the foundation of their security has crumbled beneath them? What is really going on beneath the surface? Left pulls back the curtain on what it's like to be a child of divorce. Jonathan Edwards (not the Puritan...

Domestic abuse is one of those problems that is rarely addressed in the church. While we know it exists out there, we prefer to believe it doesn't take place in the Christian home. Why the discomfort? I think one reason is because of this question: What if the marriage ends in divorce? These are three possible camps regarding divorce among Christians that I am aware of: No divorce for any reason whatsoever. Divorce only for adultery and possibly abandonment. Divorce for adultery, abandonment, and abuse. I stand firmly in the third camp. For an in-depth defense of this position from scripture and church history, I would refer you to these lectures by Pastor David Dykstra (ARBCA). They are worth your time, and I would do them a disservice if I tried to duplicate his seven talks in one blog post. Rather, I am going to offer two hypothetical scenarios with the hope that you will consider how your position on divorce determines how you respond. Scenario 1. A man in your co...

This morning, Tim Challies linked to an article at Christianity Today (CT) which looks at the results of a survey on whether divorce is a sin in particular situations. The two pools of participants were evangelical pastors and non-clergy Americans. When asked about divorce in the case of abuse, one-third of the Americans believed divorce was a sin in the case of abuse. By implication, the sin of divorce is the same or perhaps worse than the sin of abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. The CT article links to "Till Death Do Us Part", a series of articles in the Post and Courier on domestic violence in the state of South Carolina.  Sadly, SC has been among the top 10 for violence against women for the last 15 years. In their research, the reporters have found : Awash in guns, saddled with ineffective laws and lacking enough shelters for the battered, South Carolina is a state where the deck is stacked against women trapped in the cycle of abuse, a Post and Courier invest...

I care deeply about the issue of domestic violence and especially when it occurs within the homes of professing Christians. I've previously stated that the church-at-large has not always handled this well, so I'm thankful anytime there is a discussion about abuse on the Christian intraweb. Here are some recent links, some of which you may find controversial. However, I believe in order for domestic abuse to be addressed, this requires examining one's position on divorce, headship/submission, and gender. These are tightly interwoven threads making the issue very complex. Without a doubt, examination needs to be done in the light of God's Word, but at the same time, the question needs to be asked, "Are we wrong?" This won't be an easy task. The problem of domestic violence isn't going to be solved in a naive or simplistic manner, but saving a life is worth the effort. Fooled by False Leadership - A sermon on domestic abuse by Jason Meyer, April 25,...

Broken Vows: Divorce and the Goodness of God  by John Greco, Cruciform Press , August 2013, 108 pages. The subtitle of Broken Vows is Divorce and the Goodness of God.  Does that sound like a contradiction? Is it possible to discover the goodness of God in the tragedy of divorce? Author John Greco's answer would be "Yes." In Broken Vows , he shares the story of his wife's adultery and the subsequent failure of their marriage. A promising ministry opportunity to serve as an associate pastor came crashing down as well. Yet through this heartbreak, Greco found comfort in the sovereignty of God and discovered that Christ is able to heal the painful wounds of divorce. In addition, he gives thoughtful counsel regarding the prejudice that a divorced Christian may face, the issue of forgiveness, and how to move forward in a gospel identity. As a divorce survivor, I appreciate the courage it took to write this book. It couldn't have been easy. I'm also glad ...

Divorce is a touchy subject. We have our opinions of what can or cannot be done. Those ideas may be based on scripture, the opinion of someone we respect, or even our concept of what is "fair". Sunday's sermon was on the Mark 10:1-12 - a very difficult passage where Jesus answers questions about divorce from the Pharisees. Pastor Ryan made the observation that often our first response is to ask, "What am I allowed to do?" whether it is in terms of pursuing a divorce or remarriage, and I think he's correct.  This question can be mere idle speculation about worst case scenarios from someone who has never suffered the pain of divorce. It may be the question of someone looking for any loophole to get out of a marriage that doesn't meet his/her expectations. This also may be the valid, gut-wrenching question of a cheated, abandoned, and/or abused spouse.  I don't want to minimize anyone in the last scenario. I've been there. But I wonder if there a...

From R. C. Sproul in December's Tabletalk Magazine: "The New Testament puts a priority on the church's concern for widows and orphans. Widows and orphans are human beings who have suffered broken families not through divorce but through death. Obviously, the church's concern must extend beyond those whose brokenness has been caused by death. Anyone who is involved in a broken family relationship needs the ministry and care of the church... Divorce can no longer be seen simply as an extreme case of marital failure. Since it has reached not only epidemic but pandemic proportions, it cries out for the application of the means of grace to those who suffer as a result of it." Having been through this trial, I can attest to needing the care of the church. I have been blessed by brothers and sisters who did not see me as a charity case, but loved me and ministered the gospel to my family in word and deed. Here are some ways I have been helped, and I share these ho...

Most Christians would agree God hates divorce.  It is the last thing that should ever happen to marriage particularly between 2 professing believers.  What God has joined together, let not man separate.  Yet it occurs far too often. Most Christians are familiar with the possible reasons that divorce would be permitted, namely adultery, desertion, abuse.  There are also those who stand for the permanence of marriage because it is a picture of Christ and the Church and question whether divorce or remarriage is permitted at all.  Thus the issue of whether a wronged party is scripturally permitted to seek a divorce is still up for debate. This is all well and good but very theoretical.  Unless you have been through a divorce, which I have, or have walked very closely with someone through this, there is another factor to this complicated issue that seems to be left out in these discussions. Once your spouse has filed for divorce, there is nothing, absolute...

Thanks for your prayers and thanks be to God.  Our case is closed barring any unforeseen glitches.  The judge was probably tired of seeing us in his courtroom again, so the lawyers were strongly encouraged to work out an agreement prior to the start of the hearing. That being the case, a compromise was negotiated, we agreed to the new terms, and we were out of the courtroom in less than an hour. It is a huge relief to have this behind me.  I felt as though every decision I made was under scrutiny particularly my desire to continue homeschooling my daughter.  Her education and socialization were under question.  Even the amount of time I put into her schooling, which should be increased, was trivialized.  I was under pressure to put her in public school, private school, or send her to community college before she was ready for the sole purpose of getting me to work outside the home.  If I had said that a critical reason to be at home and homeschool he...

A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation .  Psalm 68:5 (KJV) I have returned again and again to this verse over the last three years.  It's been a great comfort to me in my widowhood of divorce. I've read this with tears of anguish, not knowing if I could believe this promise, and with tears of joy.  Thank God His faithfulness is not diminished by my unbelief.   This verse comes to mind again because I go back to court for the 4th time tomorrow morning.  An earthly advocate will present my case to an earthly judge.   I will admit that I am a little stressed, mainly because I would like this to be over so we can go on with our lives.  I don't know how the judge will rule, but I need to remind myself that my life, my daughter's life, and our provision is in Someone else's hands.  I have an Advocate in Heaven who pleads my case with His own blood before the ultimate Judge of mankind -  a right...

Have you ever had one of those "Aha!" moments when God's truth is suddenly illuminated by the Holy Spirit? I had one of those moments last night. I was struggling these last few weeks with the topic of the next Titus 2 meeting, loving your husband. Given my situation, I didn't know if I should even go, because I didn't think I would have anything to offer. Another very real part was self pity. It still hurts at times, and it would be very tempting to stay at home and lick my wounds. But deep down I know that I need to be there. So to wrestle this out with the Lord, I began to listen to John Piper's series on marriage . I started on the ones on divorce but then went back to the beginning of the series. He gives a very different view of marriage from anything that I had ever been taught. He defines marriage as not mainly about staying in love but displaying the covenant keeping love of Christ and the church. That is why marriage is only for this life, because in...

In the Titus 2 women's group, the next chapter we will discuss is on loving one's husband. This is obviously a difficult topic for me and reading the chapter has reopened some wounds. God has given incredible grace, but there is still more healing that needs to be done. Therefore, I started listening to John Piper's series on Marriage, Christ, and Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God . I plan to listen to the whole thing, but I immediately jumped to the last two messages on divorce, because I need a Biblical/eternal perspective on what has happened in my life. I am learning that if I am having a problem with something, the root is theological more often than not. This Momentary Marriage by Piper and Chris Brauns' Unpacking Forgiveness should be arriving soon. I think these will also help me as I wrestle through this with the Lord. It may seem counter intuitive, but I believe that a right Biblical view of marriage will help bring healing. I certainly agree with Pip...

Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." John 6:26-29 I was in court yesterday. This was the third time and probably not the last. Although the divorce has already taken place, the dispute continues to rage over financial issues. I am sure that my case is not unique. I am at rest that what happened was under God's sovereign control, but I am grieved that I need to fight for my daughter in this way. As I was praying last night, I had this nagging sense that there was a bigger issue at stake than homeschooling. And then it hit ...

I didn't post about this sermon right away because I have been wrestling through its implications. The following is from my notes: Pastor Ryan spoke from Mark 10:1-12. In an attempt to test Jesus, the pharisees asked Him what are the grounds for divorce. However, this passage is not about defining the do's and don'ts about divorce but the endurance of marriage in God's eyes. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. In the sermon, he asked the following questions: - Where is your heart? Do we gravitate back to the law for what we are allowed or not allowed to do? Because the pharisees were quick to use the law to accommodate their hardness of heart in allowing divorce for any cause. But rather than "What am I allowed to do", the real question should be, "How can I honor and exalt Christ in whatever circumstance I am in. " The real question is "Where is my heart not what are my circumstances." - Who is marriage for? ...

Pastor Ryan continued the series on the Gospel and the Home. Last week was on the Virtuous Woman in Proverbs 31. This week was on the Gospel Marriage from Ephesians 5. I found myself wishing that I had heard a sermon like this before I ever contemplated marriage. Even in Christian circles, marriage is portrayed primarily as a horizontal relationship. Oh sure, we want God to bless it, but it's made out to be all about the husband and the wife. Well, Pastor Ryan raised the bar. Marriage is a means of portraying the powerful effect of the gospel in two lives made one. It is a pointer to the true reality, Christ and the Church. It's not about trying to stay in love until you die but to keep covenant because Christ will never break His covenant to His Bride. A marriage relationship is as unto the Lord . He asked the question if our marriages are gospel marriages or religious marriages. If we believe that our standing with Christ is only based on His finished work that we receive...