I wrote this post last year but never published it. Believe me, I would much rather that this issue be properly dealt with in Christian circles, and I never write about domestic abuse again, but that time has not come yet. Until Christians realize the damage we inflict on one another because of the horrible advice we give*, domestic abuse needs to be discussed openly with humility and repentance.
Cancer is a horrible disease. While there are many very successful treatments, I know of no absolute cure that can guarantee eradication once and for all. Survivors still undergo regular monitoring in case there is a recurrence. When someone is diagnosed, treatment is initiated quickly because of cancer's propensity to spread. While it is not wrong to hope and pray that a cure will be found, if I was diagnosed, I would accept existing treatment even with its limitations. This doesn't indicate a lack of faith. Rather it is wisdom because I don't know the future. It would be foolish to hold out for a cure because the longer I wait, the disease will spread. I may experience serious side effects, but the cancer can eventually kill me if it is left to itself. I don't think anyone I know would tell me to wait for a future cure if they knew I had cancer now.
Then why do some people tell women to remain in abusive marriages in the hope that one day God may turn their husbands around? They know this sickness has infected the marriage. It will continue to spread eating away at the souls and bodies of the victims. They do not know the future. Yet they tell someone to just suffer and endure for a hope that may never come? It's easy for them to say because they aren't in her shoes. They aren't living with this hanging over them 24/7, waiting, hoping, and being disappointed again and again as the abuse grinds the family further and further into the dust.
Here is what Pastor Sam Powell wrote:
Too often outsiders point to the separation as the cause of the destruction, but in the cases of unrepentant and ongoing abuse, abandonment, and adultery, the covenant vows are already broken. To exert coercive control by any means - physical, emotional, spiritual, financial is the antithesis of loving and cherishing. Adultery is not cleaving only to one's spouse. Abandonment is not "until death do us part." How could this possibly display Christ and the church? If you say that the abuse victim needs to act like Jesus, do you see how cruel that is to lay a burden on a human being that is only possible for the 2nd person of the Godhead? How does one human save the soul of another? Impossible!
Or is there an underlying superstition at work. Can God only potentially restore the marriage if the victim remains as a perpetual sacrifice on its altar? If she chooses to pursue safety and peace, then it somehow jinxes the process? But is the only acceptable option for the marriage to stay intact? "God hates divorce" is the classic fall back. But does he not hate the sins of adultery, hatred, reviling, injustice, withholding mercy and compassion, pride, and selfishness? Does he not condemn those who turn a blind eye to widows and orphans and the oppressed? What if his will is to deliver people from being the constant targets of those very sins? Do we honestly think that an external appearance of an internally ruptured marriage honors a holy God who sees the heart? Does this not mock him?
We would never think of taking a person's life in our hands and tell them to refuse treatment for cancer in hope of a future cure. Why? Because this is a grave ethical and moral responsibility. We would not want their blood on our hands if the worst were to happen. Then why would we take a life in our hands and deny peace and deliverance from abuse? Who are we to dictate what God will do and how he will do it? All we know is she is at risk now. If we advise her to stay, are we willing to accept moral culpability if the worst were to happen?
Cancer is a horrible disease. While there are many very successful treatments, I know of no absolute cure that can guarantee eradication once and for all. Survivors still undergo regular monitoring in case there is a recurrence. When someone is diagnosed, treatment is initiated quickly because of cancer's propensity to spread. While it is not wrong to hope and pray that a cure will be found, if I was diagnosed, I would accept existing treatment even with its limitations. This doesn't indicate a lack of faith. Rather it is wisdom because I don't know the future. It would be foolish to hold out for a cure because the longer I wait, the disease will spread. I may experience serious side effects, but the cancer can eventually kill me if it is left to itself. I don't think anyone I know would tell me to wait for a future cure if they knew I had cancer now.
Then why do some people tell women to remain in abusive marriages in the hope that one day God may turn their husbands around? They know this sickness has infected the marriage. It will continue to spread eating away at the souls and bodies of the victims. They do not know the future. Yet they tell someone to just suffer and endure for a hope that may never come? It's easy for them to say because they aren't in her shoes. They aren't living with this hanging over them 24/7, waiting, hoping, and being disappointed again and again as the abuse grinds the family further and further into the dust.
Here is what Pastor Sam Powell wrote:
To put this practically, suppose a wife reports - again - to the elders that her husband refuses to keep his marriage vows. Perhaps he is violent, abusive or engaged in fornication. Perhaps he is a drunkard or a reviler. Let's assume these facts are not in dispute. Everyone knows that this is what the wife has been enduring for years.
When she reports that she is filing for divorce, the answer of her elders is often something like this: "God can change hearts. Stay in the marriage. What will you do if he repents? What if he changes?" ...
The way that things stand now, she has grounds for divorce. Assume, again, that this is not disputed. But she is still counseled to remain in the marriage “in case he repents”. But repentance is a gift of God. Only God can change a heart. So now we are asking this woman to make a life-altering decision, or even put her life in danger, based upon what we hope God will do in the future.
But our text in Deuteronomy [Deut. 29:29] forbids doing just that. We cannot make our decision based upon the “secret things of God”. We are required only to make wise decisions based upon what we know today.
As of right now, is your husband a reviler, drunkard, abuser, fornicator? As of right now, is the marriage broken? As of right now, has he pulled asunder what God has joined together?
We can only make these decisions based upon what is revealed to us. To pry into the future is forbidden by God and is only a short step away from soothsaying and fortune-telling.
It is cruel and ungodly to force a spouse to stay in perpetual limbo because God may or may not act in the future, especially when Jesus himself said that God gave us divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts. Because men’s hearts are still hard, divorce is still sometimes an option.The destruction of a marriage is a terrible thing, and it should fill us with sorrow. But what caused the actual destruction?
Too often outsiders point to the separation as the cause of the destruction, but in the cases of unrepentant and ongoing abuse, abandonment, and adultery, the covenant vows are already broken. To exert coercive control by any means - physical, emotional, spiritual, financial is the antithesis of loving and cherishing. Adultery is not cleaving only to one's spouse. Abandonment is not "until death do us part." How could this possibly display Christ and the church? If you say that the abuse victim needs to act like Jesus, do you see how cruel that is to lay a burden on a human being that is only possible for the 2nd person of the Godhead? How does one human save the soul of another? Impossible!
Or is there an underlying superstition at work. Can God only potentially restore the marriage if the victim remains as a perpetual sacrifice on its altar? If she chooses to pursue safety and peace, then it somehow jinxes the process? But is the only acceptable option for the marriage to stay intact? "God hates divorce" is the classic fall back. But does he not hate the sins of adultery, hatred, reviling, injustice, withholding mercy and compassion, pride, and selfishness? Does he not condemn those who turn a blind eye to widows and orphans and the oppressed? What if his will is to deliver people from being the constant targets of those very sins? Do we honestly think that an external appearance of an internally ruptured marriage honors a holy God who sees the heart? Does this not mock him?
We would never think of taking a person's life in our hands and tell them to refuse treatment for cancer in hope of a future cure. Why? Because this is a grave ethical and moral responsibility. We would not want their blood on our hands if the worst were to happen. Then why would we take a life in our hands and deny peace and deliverance from abuse? Who are we to dictate what God will do and how he will do it? All we know is she is at risk now. If we advise her to stay, are we willing to accept moral culpability if the worst were to happen?
To close, this is one last quote from Pastor Powell:
* Many have been aware of Paige Patterson's comments for sometime. (Here and here) But this time social media, #Metoo, and #Churchtoo have helped shine the spotlight on his dangerous advice for an abused wife.
God can, of course, intervene. He often does, or we would all be lost. We call upon men and women to repent and believe and pray for God’s intervention in their headlong rush to hell. We urge, we exhort, we confront. But when it comes to decisions – whether we are judges deciding on a sentence, church courts deciding on discipline, or spouses deciding on divorce – we must act in wisdom, not in fantasy.
Only God can soften a heart, and we pray that he will. But we have to make our decisions based upon what God has revealed to us, not through crystal-ball gazing or empty hopes.
* Many have been aware of Paige Patterson's comments for sometime. (Here and here) But this time social media, #Metoo, and #Churchtoo have helped shine the spotlight on his dangerous advice for an abused wife.
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