Tried With Fire

I am posting at Out of the Ordinary today: I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. These are the last two lines from the poem,  Invictus , by William Ernest Henley. It's been quoted by many people throughout history as an expression of the tenacity and triumph of the human spirit. It also invokes the idea that no matter the odds, we have the ability to control our own destinies. While some may find this inspiring, this is terrifying to me. During a past trial, I was faced with the grim possibility that the outcome of my future was solely up to me. There was no one nearby who could give me the help I needed. The loneliness and being at a complete loss felt worse than the situation itself. What if I made a wrong decision? Not only could I ruin my life but also the lives of others. I was a believer, and my concept of God was better than the absent deity in  Invictus , but not by much. He was just one of many players in the drama with slightly ...

I'm rereading Humble Roots by Hannah Anderson with a group of women in the church. This excerpt is from the chapter we will be discussing tonight. As often is the case with providence, I needed to read these words again because a stray thought and unanswered question brought a wave of anxiousness. I am the planner who tries to calculate all possible outcomes. My mind works like a decision tree. But it's not all up to me. I am a child of a Father who knows exactly what I need, not the Little Red Hen who has to do it all herself. Part of humility means trusting God with our plans and submitting to the possibility that they will not be fulfilled. We pursue certain ends, but we can't know the future. But part of humility also means trusting God with our plans and submitting to the possibility that they will be fulfilled in ways we cannot imagine.... If we limit ourselves to working only when the signs are promising, if we only plant when everything is perfect, we limit ou...

I'm posting at Out of the Ordinary today: Unknowns are fine in mathematics, but I don't like them in real life. I feel much more secure knowing where my car keys are and what is going to happen today, tomorrow, and the day after that. Mentally keeping tabs on as much as possible gives me a sense of control, which is a comforting feeling even if it doesn't last very long. But in reality, there are too many factors outside of my control for me to be in control, and I don't like it. Recently I was fretting over a very minor incident in the grand scheme of things. I was replaying the situation over and over in my mind and praying that I would stop worrying, when I asked myself, " Is it enough that God knows even if I don't? " Read the rest here .

Something came out of the blue this week-end which left me feeling anxious in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. I knew I shouldn't worry, but my stomach twisted itself into a big knot. I had taken all the necessary steps I could at the moment. I knew I should trust God, but it was so hard to overcome that sinking feeling. In the past, I tried to get relief by listening to sentimental Christian-ish songs to drum up a different set of emotions, but it never lasted. Dealing on an emotional plane only addressed the surface problem, not the root. I tried to fight the internal churning but didn't hide it very well. My daughter gave me that look which said, "I know you're worrying. It's not good. Do you need to talk about it?" So I confessed my worries and fears to her. In turn, she reminded me of the gospel and paraphrased Romans 8:32. If God chose to save me, if Jesus died to make that happen, did I really think He didn't care or wasn't big enough t...

I loaned Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung to a friend. We had a good discussion about the book today. We're both recovering from some fear-based, semi-mystical ideas about the will of God so it has been very freeing. Formerly, finding the will of God was as hard as hitting a bull's eye at 50 feet with a dollar store dart gun minus your glasses. Of course, it is difficult to be 100% sure whether you hit the mark, so life is still full of second guessing, if only's, and what if's . It's sad how this mindset also takes our attention away from obeying what is commanded in Scripture to becoming incapacitated over what should be a common sense decision. It would be like agonizing over whether to wear the argyle or striped socks and ignore the admonition to be anxious for nothing. I would venture to say that obedience to the Word outweighs sock color any day. There are times when I am tempted to second guess decisions I made, things I did in the past. If I had done thi...

The pace of life in general will be picking up for me. I have been working part-time from home as a medical transcriptionist for the past two and a half years. I have recently enrolled in an online self paced course in the same field. Many transcriptionists work from home via the Internet, so my hope is to transition to full time work in this profession. This will enable me to continue homeschooling as well. It's a completely different discipline from what I had done prior to being a mom. I had been working as a database administrator, but my skills are 14 years old and more or less obsolete. Part of me is afraid that I won't be able to balance work, homeschooling, and this course which requires 20-25 hours per week. Part of me is wondering what will happen when the six month course is up, and if I will be able to find a job from home where I can continue to homeschool. I also don't like change unless I am the one initiating it. I'm not looking forward to having less fr...

We watched a video by David Powlison in Sunday School. He spoke on how we respond to those things which are outside our control and what those responses reveal about our hearts. A typical scenario of this is a traffic jam which is totally outside of our control. He gave three scenarios where you are on your way to an important meeting. To make it worse, your cell phone has just died or is between zones so there is no way to communicate with the person waiting for you. Scenario 1. What if I'm on my way to the doctor? I've just found out that I have cancer. The doctor has rearranged his schedule to meet me . I'm stuck and I'm standing him up. As I'm sitting in traffic, I imagine my entire funeral scene. Why? The logic is that because I missed the doctor's appointment, I will have missed out on some treatment, advice, etc. and therefore I will die. Scenario 2. What if I'm on the way to an important sales meeting that will make or break my finances? Scenario 3....