Tried With Fire

Why, when confronted with violence or abuse in a home, have we often placed the burden on the victim to justify her actions or somehow prove that she did not "make" him do it, rather than on the abuser to confess his sins and demonstrate change? We have frequently overemphasized the response of the abused to the exclusion of confronting the behavior of the abuser. Are we afraid he will turn his anger on us? Do we fear confrontation? Do we fear we will be accused of not holding the marriage covenant sacred? Do we really think protecting a home full of sin is keeping that sacred covenant? Do we fear standing with the oppressed?  Suffering and the Heart of God , Diane Langberg, New Growth Press, 2015, pg. 259. I have found that victims experience incredible relief, if not disbelief, when they hear me say, "If you are telling the truth, I will know it because I know what abuse is, how it thinks, and how it acts. And I will believe you, no matter who your abuser is or...

I think most Christians would reject outright the prosperity gospel that promises health and wealth. But I wonder if we buy into a more subtle version, which promises emotional and relational health. For the most part, we understand the physical needs of fellow believers. We pray when someone is sick. We take a meal. We do something. But what about the immaterial- the mental and emotional issues in our lives? This is much harder to understand because it is inside of us, hidden from sight. But if it is inside, does that mean we have more control over it and thus greater ability to "get over it?" My daughter made an interesting statement that we may want to "fix" people in the body of Christ because then we don't have to care for them. And I think she may be right. I just searched at christianbook.com and found more than 2000 books in the category for "Christian Living" for women. These books wouldn't be written if the authors didn't think the...

I had gotten Dr. Langberg's book thinking it would arm me for my fight against domestic violence and help others. But I assumed I was further down the road in my survivorhood than I really was. I am still very much in the process of healing, and I needed to read this: Returning to relationship after the shattering of trauma starts with the person we tell our story to. When we speak, we are heard. We are heard by someone who seeks to understand and feel with us. We are no longer isolated and alone in our suffering. However, we must eventually choose whether we will love again, care again, reach for another human being again. Trauma took away choice. Surviving and then telling our story returns that to us. We must choose what we will do with humans. We can hide, hate, or run from them, but then the trauma still has mastery.  Every act of kindness, every act of helpfulness, every act of forgiveness, and every act of love defies the trauma... Perpetrators of violence destroy trust...

I applaud Dr. David Murray for tackling the subject of spiritual abuse in reformed circles . If we hold to a robust view of sin and holiness, it mocks our Lord and the truths we hold dear when leaders within the loosely reformed camp are characterized by pride, control, and bullying of anyone who disagrees with them. These things ought not to be. After reading Dr. Murray's post , this excerpt from Dr. Diane Langberg's latest book may shed some light on why we have this problem. I affirm the doctrines of grace and believe them to be biblically true, but rather than humbling me, I can become proud in my "rightness" and spiritual superiority. We joke about cage-stage Calvinism, and thankfully, it usually wears off in time. Or it may not, and that is a grave danger. As the verse says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Prov. 16:18 (KJV) A second possible scenario can be found when a group is not depressed and hungry but r...

Sexual abuse requires both deception and coercion or an abuse of power. The deception must first be of the self and then of the victim and the community. If it is to be covered up, then that deception and coercion must be continued by the system, which then is mimicking the perpetrator... When sin is exposed, it creates a crisis and crises do two things: they reveal character and they are also what we might call "separating" times. A crisis reveals character because in the moment of crisis, we do what we have been practicing. We display what we have been habituated. We demonstrate what or who we live in obedience to... A crisis is a revealing time. It reveals what is in the person who has come to you; it will reveal the heart of the one who is accused; it will reveal your heart to you; and it will reveal the heart of the structure or organization that is threatened by the truth. It is absolutely crucial that what is being revealed be seen and understood and responded to ...

"[W]e need to recognize that Christendom is a system which is partly merged with culture while trying to sustain itself separately. But Christendom, like all institutions when endangered, tries to protect itself. And if you doubt that, you expose a case of child abuse by a pastor and watch what happens. Christendom has used scripture to support or conceal slavery, racism, domestic violence, and many other cruelties that our God hates. I fear the Christendom today has become less interested in truth and more interested in power..." "Christendom is not Jesus Christ. Do not be deceived..." "Do not follow the siren of culture even if someone baptizes it for you. Its categories are not God's. Do not be seduced by the allure of Christendom nor heed the word of God when it is used to sanction something that is utterly unlike Jesus Christ... Know Christ so well that you can discern what is unlike Him no matter how seductive or the religious garb it wears......

[I posted this about a year ago and it's worth repeating. Dr. Diane Langberg is a practicing Christian psychologist who is also on the faculty of Westminster Theological Seminary. She has decades of counseling experience. She is also a strong voice in the Christian community speaking out against all forms of abuse. This talk is long but it's worth every minute. I hope you will watch and learn.] ht: A Cry for Justice The topic of this video is counseling victims of domestic abuse in a Christian setting. Dr. Langberg provides practical and informed counsel on this difficult issue which is quite different IMO from the idealistic and potentially harmful advice given in many marriage and women's books. Around the 51:00 mark, she makes an observation that people are upset when darkness is exposed particularly in a life they thought was good. Sadly the church often speaks out in horror - not about the sin but about the exposure.  May this not continue to be the case. F...

The Mortification of Spin team interviewed Dr. Diane Langberg , a Christian psychologist who specializes in counseling victims of domestic violence. It's well worth the 28 minutes and 36 seconds. Of note, I wanted to highlight what Dr. Langberg said about believing the victim: You believe what you hear. It is very rare for people to do false accusations, and they seem to occur mostly in these really bitter, awful custody battles. But usually people want home to be nice. They don't want to stir up a mess. That's why they hide it... Again this does not mean that false allegations do not occur, but I have done this work for forty years and I have had two . Listen here … (Edited to correct quote.)

Forum of Christian Leader's  link for video and audio. ht: A Cry For Justice This is a talk by Dr. Diane Langberg given in 2010. She is a Christian psychologist and counselor who is on the faculty of Westminster Seminary. She has over 30 years of experience helping victims of spiritual, domestic, and sexual abuse. Dr. Langberg deals with the issue of abuse of power in the church and the home. She goes beyond the symptoms to the root - self deception that leads to the deception and coercion of others. I've been in a situation where spiritual authority was misused. Short of domestic abuse, I don't know of anything as heartbreaking as seeing church leaders who have been charged to uphold God's truth, deliberately covering up sin all in the name of preserving "the ministry." The talk is long and very sobering, but it is worth the time for anyone who has any measure of influence in the home and church, which is most of us. God have mercy and keep us from usin...