Tried With Fire

A friend on Facebook shared a quote from an evangelical preacher who opined that marriage is the "greatest instrument of sanctification." "greatest" Really? I question this for several reasons.  - Does that mean those of us who are single, divorced, or widowed will be incompletely sanctified?  - Is the marriage relationship the instrument or the environment where sanctification takes place. If it is the former, then it goes against the 1689 London Baptist Confession 13.1: "They who are united to Christ, effectually called, and regenerated, having a new heart and a new spirit created in them through the virtue of Christ's death and resurrection, are also farther sanctified, really and personally, through the same virtue, by His Word and Spirit dwelling in them ; the dominion of the whole body of sin is destroyed, and the several lusts thereof are more and more weakened and mortified, and they more and more quickened and strengthened in...

It is always encouraging to hear how God saved someone. Sometimes it is dramatic, and other times it is not. But for each believer, the hand of providence was at work placing him or her in exactly the right place at the right time to hear the gospel and be saved, not to mention the events that were orchestrated to lead up to that moment. No two stories are the same because God's providence is not a cookie cutter. Then why do we forget this when it comes to the varied circumstances God has placed us post salvation? If someone is single - Why aren't you married? Don't you want to be married? If you are married - Why doesn't your marriage look like x ? If you are married without children - Why don't you have any children? If you have children - Why do you only have n number? Why don't you have more? Why do you so many? Why aren't you educating them like this ? I'd rather listen to my pastor on 1 Corinthians 7. Paul's thesis can be summed up...

I'm honored to share this post at Kaleoscope . This was written with prayer and tears because it strikes close to home.  "Do you promise to love, to cherish, to honor, to obey, forsaking all others, in sickness as well as in health, in adversity as well as in prosperity, for better or for worse, and to cleave only to him/her so long as you both shall live?" These are beautiful words, but they convey more than sentiment. This a solemn promise of commitment to one person for the rest of your life. While this vow does not mean there will be no struggles, this promise includes working together through the difficulties, holding fast, and seeking the good of one another no matter the circumstances. These vows are positive promises  to do  something. To love, cherish and honor... However, if you look at the flip side, these vows are promises  to not do  as well. Do you promise to not demean, to not forsake, and to not abuse? Do you promise to not abandon ...

the two most important qualities [of the Ideal woman] were obedience and femininity... She wrote, "The first law of Heaven is obedience, and it should be the first law of every home." As a practical reminder of women's obedience to men, Andelin presented each her of students with a gold-painted dowel to represent her husband's authority. Then she assigned students to give the gold stick to their husbands in order to provide the couple with the opportunity to discuss their respective roles in a humorous manner. "The husbands like it, and often hang their sticks on the wall as a reminder and threaten to use it if the wife doesn't obey," she said. [1] Helen Andelin's book Fascinating Womanhood (1963)   was probably the mother of all conservative women's books to combat the 2nd wave of feminism. The above quote regarding her view on male authority isn't an anomaly but the norm. The man "was created in the image of God and given domini...

This morning, Tim Challies linked to an article at Christianity Today (CT) which looks at the results of a survey on whether divorce is a sin in particular situations. The two pools of participants were evangelical pastors and non-clergy Americans. When asked about divorce in the case of abuse, one-third of the Americans believed divorce was a sin in the case of abuse. By implication, the sin of divorce is the same or perhaps worse than the sin of abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. The CT article links to "Till Death Do Us Part", a series of articles in the Post and Courier on domestic violence in the state of South Carolina.  Sadly, SC has been among the top 10 for violence against women for the last 15 years. In their research, the reporters have found : Awash in guns, saddled with ineffective laws and lacking enough shelters for the battered, South Carolina is a state where the deck is stacked against women trapped in the cycle of abuse, a Post and Courier invest...

I care deeply about the issue of domestic violence and especially when it occurs within the homes of professing Christians. I've previously stated that the church-at-large has not always handled this well, so I'm thankful anytime there is a discussion about abuse on the Christian intraweb. Here are some recent links, some of which you may find controversial. However, I believe in order for domestic abuse to be addressed, this requires examining one's position on divorce, headship/submission, and gender. These are tightly interwoven threads making the issue very complex. Without a doubt, examination needs to be done in the light of God's Word, but at the same time, the question needs to be asked, "Are we wrong?" This won't be an easy task. The problem of domestic violence isn't going to be solved in a naive or simplistic manner, but saving a life is worth the effort. Fooled by False Leadership - A sermon on domestic abuse by Jason Meyer, April 25,...

There's a lot to ponder from the current sermon series on Job. I've read the book several times but this time around, his friends' heartless counsel stands out like a sore thumb. Their advice seems to go from bad to worse. By the end of the second cycle of advice, they are absolutely sure Job has done a whole list of terrible things since there could be no other explanation for his suffering. In our small group, a brother commented that Job's friends could not fathom a righteous man suffering. It didn't compute. Their only category for suffering was "You live right; you'll be blessed. You do evil; you will be afflicted." Consequently, they force fit his situation into their nice and tidy rigid box, hurting him in the process with their accusations. They couldn't conceive that there was any other explanation for his situation. This makes we wonder about the categories that we have constructed for the Christian life. The prosperity gospel teaches...

[This is a post that's been simmering on the back burner for some time. I'm revisiting it having been inspired by our new Sunday school series on applying the gospel in a fallen world.] I listened to Voddie Baucham's talk from the 2012 Shepherd's conference and heard the most beautiful and compelling argument for purity I have ever heard. (Audio here , video here - start listening around 24:00.) He does a little pretend dialogue with his son regarding abstinence and the one flesh union solely within the bounds of marriage. Baucham then says, "It is awesome because this is a picture of Christ and His bride, the church, and you should no more illegitimately unite yourself physically with a woman outside of marriage than Christ should unite Himself with one who is not His own. " Why is this so powerful? It's not a "carrot and stick" approach - obey the rules and God will bless you, disobey and you'll be stricken with a loathsome disease a...

Apocalyptic romance, that is. I had never heard of the phrase "apocalyptic romance" until Tim Keller mentioned it in this interview . The term comes from The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker who proposed that "When you take God out of the culture, you have got to put something in His place. Apocalyptic romance was one of the ways people aspire to transcendence. So instead of salvation, romance is going to solve everything." Although I would never have owned that romance was going to solve everything, I believed and practiced it. It's easy to do if you over-romanticize the analogy between Christ's relationship with the church and marriage. Omitting the whole counsel of God on subjects like human depravity and progressive sanctification also helps to foster this pie-in-the-sky view. I would have continued in this vein, until my marriage exploded as a result of this self-fueled time bomb. Initially, it's intoxicating to believe you've found the o...

In this book. Paul David Tripp deals honestly with the unrealistic expectations we bring to marriage and how to face reality armed with the gospel. This is not a book about behavior modification - such as do (fill in the blank) to get the desired change in your spouse and you'll have a new marriage in a week. Rather Tripp sees the goal of marriage bigger than marriage itself -  our sanctification and holiness. Sanctificaion is probably not the first thing that comes to mind for most couples. In the glow of early marital bliss, one doesn't view one's spouse as a person still battling indwelling sin, let alone have a correct assessment of one's self. But it's only a matter of time before these struggles (yes, even as believers!) manifest themselves. However, being brought face-to-face with our condition is nothing less than the grace of God. He has orchestrated every conflict as a means to rescue us from self-absorption and personal kingdom building. God's goa...

I'm about two-thirds through What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp. It's been a very good read but oft-times painful as it's like reading the coroner's report on my marriage. He systematically dismantles the unrealistic expectations we bring into marriage with examples that are closer to home than I would like. Looking back, we had a pretty meager understanding of the gospel.  We were pathetically blind to the indwelling sin that remained in our lives. Hence we had the notion that I'm different;  he's different . God was doing something  special  in our relationship so somehow we were exempt from the normal failings of self absorption which plagued everyone else. We had done courtship "right" so the reward was a happy marriage. It was to be the happiest place on earth, like Disney World but spiritual of course, where the process of sanctification magically happened by some mystical hand waving of the Holy Spirit without effort, pain, and tears. Ri...

Paul Tripp - On how he's changed through marriage from Crossway on Vimeo . ht: Take Your Vitamin Z via Thirsty Theologian I wished I had heard these tough words when I was young. But even if I had, would I have believed it? Maybe but probably not because of my faulty views regarding the depravity of mankind and the necessary and often painful process of progressive sanctification. This leads me to wonder if most of my wrong ideas about myself and relationships can be traced back to a wrong understanding of the gospel. But when you think about it, if we get the gospel wrong, we get everything wrong.

UPDATE:  Here's the  followup article  from World.  I like how they stress the importance of the local church as a necessary source of help and counsel on this issue. Has anyone read the World magazine article, Boy Meets Girl ? As a mom of a teen girl, the topics of dating, courtship, and marriage have been the subjects of some very healthy conversations. I do not advocate casual dating that's "I find you attractive with no more thought than the moment, so let's get involved, potentially physically, and put ourselves in the way of sexual temptation."  Neither do I endorse "Everyone else is dating, so I should do it or else I will look like a complete loser." Yet reading the article, it seems that the courtship model has it's own drawbacks particularly the pressure of all or nothing -- going from being completely uninvolved to being virtually engaged.  It makes me wonder how much of this paradigm is based on the myth of The One ? Since  I K...

Have you ever had one of those "Aha!" moments when God's truth is suddenly illuminated by the Holy Spirit? I had one of those moments last night. I was struggling these last few weeks with the topic of the next Titus 2 meeting, loving your husband. Given my situation, I didn't know if I should even go, because I didn't think I would have anything to offer. Another very real part was self pity. It still hurts at times, and it would be very tempting to stay at home and lick my wounds. But deep down I know that I need to be there. So to wrestle this out with the Lord, I began to listen to John Piper's series on marriage . I started on the ones on divorce but then went back to the beginning of the series. He gives a very different view of marriage from anything that I had ever been taught. He defines marriage as not mainly about staying in love but displaying the covenant keeping love of Christ and the church. That is why marriage is only for this life, because in...

In the Titus 2 women's group, the next chapter we will discuss is on loving one's husband. This is obviously a difficult topic for me and reading the chapter has reopened some wounds. God has given incredible grace, but there is still more healing that needs to be done. Therefore, I started listening to John Piper's series on Marriage, Christ, and Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God . I plan to listen to the whole thing, but I immediately jumped to the last two messages on divorce, because I need a Biblical/eternal perspective on what has happened in my life. I am learning that if I am having a problem with something, the root is theological more often than not. This Momentary Marriage by Piper and Chris Brauns' Unpacking Forgiveness should be arriving soon. I think these will also help me as I wrestle through this with the Lord. It may seem counter intuitive, but I believe that a right Biblical view of marriage will help bring healing. I certainly agree with Pip...

We witnessed a beautiful wedding yesterday. The eldest daughter of our very close friends was married. It was very special because she was the same age as my daughter is now when we first met the family. We have seen her grow up from being a girl to a young woman. In addition to the usual response to "Who gives this woman?", the father of the bride briefly shared the passage from Ephesians 5 with the couple. He exhorted them to fulfill their God-given roles in marriage. It was especially touching when he spoke of transferring the role of protector and provider from himself to his future son-in-law. I don't know how he did it without crying. The bride and groom wrote their own vows. It was clear their prayer was for Christ to be the center of their marriage. They set the bar very high with those vows. The pastor very wisely said that some of their vows would possibly be broken, but then they could run to Christ and His cross for forgiveness. This is the first wedding that ...

We went to a bridal shower this afternoon. The bride is the daughter of one of my closest friends. Although we've only known each other nine years, we've been through some deep trials together, and I love the whole family dearly. The shower was very nice. Scripture was shared. There was prayer for the couple. The food was good. A good time was had by all. I am certainly no prophetess, but I fully anticipated the bride to be asked this question. "When/How did you know he was the one ?" I don't mean to be cynical, but I think the one and soul mate need to be stricken from the English language. I can't help but think of Anakin Skywalker and Mark Sandford when I hear those phrases. My daughter did remind me later about Neo. I don't mean to fault the person who asked the question at all. My problem is with the mindset of the one . That expression of he's the one or she's the one has so many expectations riding on it. It implies there is only one...

It is incredibly sad how sin, the world, and Satan have degraded marriage from God's original intention. What was intended as a lifelong covenant is now, more often than not, a temporary arrangement for self gratification rather than displaying God's glory in covenant keeping. When it ends, the main issues revolve around material possessions and money. In fact, the dissolution of the marriage can be faster than the equitable distribution of stuff and mammon. This evening, after my daughter came home, my husband stayed to get some of the things that were his part of the "division of marital property". Highly awkward to say the least. I wasn't bothered by losing the things that he took. He is more than welcome to them. I don't want them or care about what he took. However, I am grieved that this is all it comes down to for him and the courts. Money and stuff. But we are not those who live without hope. Marriages will fail on earth but the spiritual real...

Beth Spraul of Capitol Hill Baptist Church has written this article titled You've Got Lies: Chick Flicks and the World's Approach to Men and Marriage. I recommend this article. I don't think we realize how much we are influenced by the whole notion of romance in our culture, particularly the way it is portrayed in movies and books. I also think, for the majority of women, there is something in us that is drawn to the dream of an ideal romantic relationship. The author draws a possible parallel between pornography for men and romance for women. For men, it is explicit images. For women, it is feeding the thoughts and imaginations of an unreal ideal relationship. She also gives three powerful lies that are propagated by romance that have no Biblical foundation. I actually threw out You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle , and some other chick flicks. In Sleepless , the main female character is living with her fiance and going behind his back in search of the one person...

I didn't post about this sermon right away because I have been wrestling through its implications. The following is from my notes: Pastor Ryan spoke from Mark 10:1-12. In an attempt to test Jesus, the pharisees asked Him what are the grounds for divorce. However, this passage is not about defining the do's and don'ts about divorce but the endurance of marriage in God's eyes. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. In the sermon, he asked the following questions: - Where is your heart? Do we gravitate back to the law for what we are allowed or not allowed to do? Because the pharisees were quick to use the law to accommodate their hardness of heart in allowing divorce for any cause. But rather than "What am I allowed to do", the real question should be, "How can I honor and exalt Christ in whatever circumstance I am in. " The real question is "Where is my heart not what are my circumstances." - Who is marriage for? ...