I'm about two-thirds through What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp. It's been a very good read but oft-times painful as it's like reading the coroner's report on my marriage. He systematically dismantles the unrealistic expectations we bring into marriage with examples that are closer to home than I would like.
Looking back, we had a pretty meager understanding of the gospel. We were pathetically blind to the indwelling sin that remained in our lives. Hence we had the notion that I'm different; he's different. God was doing something special in our relationship so somehow we were exempt from the normal failings of self absorption which plagued everyone else. We had done courtship "right" so the reward was a happy marriage. It was to be the happiest place on earth, like Disney World but spiritual of course, where the process of sanctification magically happened by some mystical hand waving of the Holy Spirit without effort, pain, and tears. Right?
Wrong. When the reality of our sin and brokenness hit home, we had the choice of either facing up to the truth and running to God as our only hope or running away for the sake of preserving the delusion. Sadly, we made different choices.
So why am I still reading this?
I'm not a trying to beat myself up as though making myself feel worse will atone for my sins. Neither do I want to point the finger. Neither am I overcome with angst over not reading this book sooner as though a book in itself has the power to save a marriage. Ultimately God is sovereign over that.
The best antidote for unreality is nothing other than the truth, but until you realize you're sick, you won't seek a cure. Therefore rather than a disaster, it's grace that tears down these idealistic expectations. When our idols come crashing down, the light of the truth comes in. The power of the Gospel is there to bring us out of the ruins of sin and transform, restore, and heal.
Looking back, we had a pretty meager understanding of the gospel. We were pathetically blind to the indwelling sin that remained in our lives. Hence we had the notion that I'm different; he's different. God was doing something special in our relationship so somehow we were exempt from the normal failings of self absorption which plagued everyone else. We had done courtship "right" so the reward was a happy marriage. It was to be the happiest place on earth, like Disney World but spiritual of course, where the process of sanctification magically happened by some mystical hand waving of the Holy Spirit without effort, pain, and tears. Right?
Wrong. When the reality of our sin and brokenness hit home, we had the choice of either facing up to the truth and running to God as our only hope or running away for the sake of preserving the delusion. Sadly, we made different choices.
So why am I still reading this?
I'm not a trying to beat myself up as though making myself feel worse will atone for my sins. Neither do I want to point the finger. Neither am I overcome with angst over not reading this book sooner as though a book in itself has the power to save a marriage. Ultimately God is sovereign over that.
The best antidote for unreality is nothing other than the truth, but until you realize you're sick, you won't seek a cure. Therefore rather than a disaster, it's grace that tears down these idealistic expectations. When our idols come crashing down, the light of the truth comes in. The power of the Gospel is there to bring us out of the ruins of sin and transform, restore, and heal.
"The power of the Gospel is there to bring us out of the ruins of sin and transform, restore, and heal." Yes, Persis! I don't know what else to say, except you've always blessed me with your transparency and I know your dear L will enter marriage with much wisdom because of the grace God has poured out on you in the midst of such a painful, painful trial. I love you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteWe had done courtship "right" so the reward was a happy marriage.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Persis.
It would seem so. I have to say, it makes me wonder about the whole courtship thing. Not that we shouldn't do things right, but that us doing things right doesn't guarantee the right outcome as well as doing things wrong doesn't guarantee the wrong outcome..I think of Joseph's brothers..I could go on and on about this.
HE is sovereign. That is peaceful and unsettling at the same time..Have we NO control?
((hugs))
@Trisha: Love you too, friend.
ReplyDelete@Ma: Thanks for the hugs. Don't know if I have an answer to your question. But God is sovereign. Our part is obedience to Him and His word and trust Him for the outcome which really is for our good regardless of how we rate it.
Another person who comes to mind is Rahab, who's in Jesus' genealogy and in Heb 12. Not exactly your top role-model for purity. But by grace we're saved, not because we've done it right.
I am sorry Persis...this was a very heart felt post, I appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI have a tendency to think things should turn out a certain way because I have done all the right things, followed a certain formula, such faulty thinking. God is sovereign, his ways are not always my ways. I have such limited understanding..he has the big picture. I am continuing to learn to trust and obey
Blessings
Persis, I just love you, what else can I say?
ReplyDeleteFor you, it was a failed marriage, and for those of us who God did not ordain that kind of suffering it's something else very painful. An adult child who rejected the truth, personal moral failure, financial failure. etc...
Self examination for these things is necessary but in the end we must voraciously cling to what you said:
"Ultimately God is sovereign over that."
But there is good news sweet friend! God will not abandon us and He will also be glorified. He will use our suffering to exhibit His grace when we come alongside the next hurting person who may be heading down that path. We become His mouth to warn and guide, and His hands comfort and heal. 2 Cor 1:4
Rahab- excellent example. His Grace is a mystery, but can give us ALL hope!
ReplyDelete