Tried With Fire

I am posting at Out of the Ordinary today: I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. These are the last two lines from the poem,  Invictus , by William Ernest Henley. It's been quoted by many people throughout history as an expression of the tenacity and triumph of the human spirit. It also invokes the idea that no matter the odds, we have the ability to control our own destinies. While some may find this inspiring, this is terrifying to me. During a past trial, I was faced with the grim possibility that the outcome of my future was solely up to me. There was no one nearby who could give me the help I needed. The loneliness and being at a complete loss felt worse than the situation itself. What if I made a wrong decision? Not only could I ruin my life but also the lives of others. I was a believer, and my concept of God was better than the absent deity in  Invictus , but not by much. He was just one of many players in the drama with slightly ...

I'm piggybacking off of Diane's post  at Out of the Ordinary: After 9/11, I was a basket case. The unthinkable happened on American soil, and I was terrified of what would happen next. To keep the panic at bay, no news was good news, so I wouldn't watch TV or listen to the radio. I even averted my eyes when I happened upon a newspaper at the grocery store. Though I had been a Christian for many years, my knowledge of the Scriptures and specifically God's character was weak. Therefore, it was no wonder I had nothing to support me when the towers fell. Fast forward 13 years. Diane mentioned in her post yesterday that the moral landscape of our country has been altered beyond recognition since 1973, and it is still undergoing upheavals even within the last three weeks with no respite. Just in the last 24 hours, the news regarding Planned Parenthood reveals an attack on all that is righteous and good, and it is horrifying. Physical buildings may not be falling t...

“In whom do you trust?” “I trust,” says the Christian, “a triune God—Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I trust the Father, believing that He has chosen me from before the foundations of the world; I trust Him as my Father to care for me, to provide for me in providence, to teach me, to guide me, to feed me, to correct me if need be, and to bring me home to His own house where the many mansions are." "I trust the Son. Very God of very God is He—the Man Christ Jesus. I trust in Him to take away all my sins, for He suffered their penalty upon the cross; I trust Him to put all those sins away forever by His own Sacrifice; I trust Him to wrap me about with His perfect righteousness, and to adorn me with all His excellences. I know Him to be my intercessor—as often as I pray to present my prayers and desires before His Father’s throne, I believe Him to be my resurrection and my life, that, though I die, yet I may live again! I expect Him to be my advocate at the last great judgm...

This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics.  I never thought my mom or dad (my dad did most of the cooking) would feed me paint or weed killer, but I did turn up my nose at some of the things on the dinner table including squid. Too chewy, like fishy rubber bands. But even though I never suspected my parents, how often have I  treated God like Calvin treated his mother, doubting His character and goodness? I'd rather not give an answer because I'd be ashamed of the number. All the more reason to side with the Word over feelings, circumstances, and whatever would tell me otherwise even if it's myself. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matt 7:9-11

A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation .  Psalm 68:5 (KJV) I have returned again and again to this verse over the last three years.  It's been a great comfort to me in my widowhood of divorce. I've read this with tears of anguish, not knowing if I could believe this promise, and with tears of joy.  Thank God His faithfulness is not diminished by my unbelief.   This verse comes to mind again because I go back to court for the 4th time tomorrow morning.  An earthly advocate will present my case to an earthly judge.   I will admit that I am a little stressed, mainly because I would like this to be over so we can go on with our lives.  I don't know how the judge will rule, but I need to remind myself that my life, my daughter's life, and our provision is in Someone else's hands.  I have an Advocate in Heaven who pleads my case with His own blood before the ultimate Judge of mankind -  a right...

Yesterday Pastor Ryan spoke from Titus 1:1-4 .  In these introductory verses, Paul declares that his master is God, his message is Christ, his mission is the church.  Paul was able to spend his life for the churches because of the hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began . "God, who never lies" is literally in the Greek "the unlying God." As someone who is prone to fear, this went straight to my heart.  The pastor went on to say that very often we look for something to calm our fears, but we don't need to look any further than the character of God Himself.  How often I am scrambling for something to make those feelings go away.  How often I read a scripture that states that God is trustworthy, but in the back of my mind there is a lingering doubt.  I may think in false humility, "Is it true for me? ", but in reality I am doubting whether God will keep His word.  I am suspecting Him of saying something and then ...

We have a contract. Now the fun begins. The closing is set for the end of April which doesn't give us much time. Today we found a house that looks promising not very far from the church. We are also looking at another part of the peninsula tomorrow. I am grateful for the prayers of the saints, specifically prayers that I will not panic. There are so many details to be worked out that it would be easy to get overwhelmed. The offers of practical help have also moved me to tears and thanks for the body of Christ. And yet our God is more real and faithful than even the best, most trustworthy person. It was such a timely reminder in Sunday's sermon that He is the one to whom we cry. Not as a spoiled prosperity gospel brat, but as a child adopted by grace in dependence and trust. So I may be dropping out of the blogsphere over the next month or so. It's exciting and scary at the same time, but we will wait expectantly for where God will lead us.

I have been in a bit of a tizzy today. God willing, we may have a signed contract on our house by the end of the week-end. Yesterday evening an agent showed the house. We were going to small group anyway, so the timing worked out. There was plenty of time to clean the house and stage it for showing. I even tidied the flower bed by the driveway. It was pitiful looking. I don't like cannas, and they look like seaweed after the stalks have been left to decay all winter. Not the sight you want greeting potential buyers - "Ooh look at the lovely dead vegetation!" We were gone all evening and thought nothing of the showing. This morning my realtor emailed and asked if my daughter and I were inconvenienced by being kept from home since the potential buyers and their realtor were here for over 2 hours . (I take this as the hand of Providence. It was no coincidence that we were gone all evening, so they could take as long as they liked looking at the house.) They submitted a cont...

I received an email from my realtor this afternoon. She tactfully suggested a few changes regarding how our house is organized. We have unconventional pets and have our house set up in a nontraditional manner. I tried to organize the rooms to maximize the space, but other agents have suggested that we try to stage the house more conventionally. I don't think it will work. The radiators limit where furniture can be placed, and a conventional looking house will result in one that looks more cramped in the long run. Even though I have a logical explanation as to why we can't change things, my gut reaction is anxiety. It might stem from anticipating another disagreement with my ex or just irritation at having to change how we live our lives for the sake of selling the house. Either way, anxiety is sin for which I need to repent. So as my stomach is gradually becoming unknotted, I need to have this verse burned on my brain: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by pray...

As in Martha Stewart. The house goes on the market January 4th, so I am in the process of getting it presentable for showing. Translation: Make your house look like you don't live here. Better yet, make it look like no one lives here. I know that this is necessary, but I also hate the phoniness of it. The decluttering is probably good, but I don't like the stress of trying to maintain normal life without being able to live like a normal person, just to sell the house. If you have a gorgeous Martha Stewart Living-photo-spread home, more power to you. I do not. I think my home is reasonably clean, neat, with a certain amount of charm, but I don't live like I am in a photo shoot nor do I want to. Martha isn't on a tight budget. Martha doesn't homeschool. I can't see Martha putting on rubber gloves to tackle guinea pig bedding or clean up after a territorial house rabbit. I ventured this morning to Walmart and Lowes to get a minimum of things to make the house more...

I have been fairly distrustful of feelings lately, but I am still human enough to want to feel God's love, to feel hope especially in this ongoing trial. Today was such a day. Sometimes the feelings are there, but they weren't today. What to do? Should I go looking for something to generate them? I could have surfed the Internet and found something heartwarming and sentimental to give me a warm fuzzy, like the infamous Footprints in the Sand . (Don't mean to offend anyone, but I really dislike that poem.) But is it enough for me to believe what the Word says about God and His character? Is that enough for me to bank on regardless of whether I feel it or not and whether I see it happening now or not? I keep coming back to something Pastor Ryan shared about Joseph. Joseph's faith in God was demonstrated by the fact that he asked the Israelites to take his bones back to the promised land. It wasn't a question of if. It was a question of when. Joseph did not see it i...

I am more of a pessimist by temperament. Worst case scenarios used to be my default setting. Some of them were quite outrageous and funny when seen in a rational light. However, I seem to be more prone to pessimism when I am tired, such as today. God has provided abundant grace, but there are some days when the cares of life and the unknown future loom very large. I know that God is in control and has ordained everything that takes place. I know that I should trust Him. I can look back and see how He has proven Himself again and again. But it's as though I am afraid to believe that things will improve circumstantially. It's almost easier for me to believe that things will get worse rather than better. I don't believe in the fairy tale "happy ending" anymore. Given the events of the last few years, I have a distinct aversion to personal fairy tales. Maybe I don't want to get my hopes up and have them be dashed again. But that raises the question as to the sourc...

Dear friend, I hope that you have found your trials so sweetened, and so sanctified, by God's blessing, that you have been enabled to rejoice in them! Whatever may be the immediate causes of your troubles--they are all under the direction of a gracious hand--and each, in their place, cooperating to a gracious end. Your afflictions all come from God's heart, who loves you better than you love yourself! They are all tokens of His love and favor--and are necessary means of promoting your growth in faith and grace. You are in the hands of Him who does all things well, and conducts His most afflictive dispensations to those who fear Him, with wisdom and mercy! The Lord knows what is best for you! When there is an especial need-be for your being in the furnace--He knows how to support you; and at what season, and in what manner, deliverance will best comport with His glory and your good. These are the two great ends which He has in view, and which are inseparably connected togethe...

The pace of life in general will be picking up for me. I have been working part-time from home as a medical transcriptionist for the past two and a half years. I have recently enrolled in an online self paced course in the same field. Many transcriptionists work from home via the Internet, so my hope is to transition to full time work in this profession. This will enable me to continue homeschooling as well. It's a completely different discipline from what I had done prior to being a mom. I had been working as a database administrator, but my skills are 14 years old and more or less obsolete. Part of me is afraid that I won't be able to balance work, homeschooling, and this course which requires 20-25 hours per week. Part of me is wondering what will happen when the six month course is up, and if I will be able to find a job from home where I can continue to homeschool. I also don't like change unless I am the one initiating it. I'm not looking forward to having less fr...

This evening I was thinking about where I was two years ago. I was terrified of the future. I was full of fear of man and full of unbelief towards God. I knew it was sin, but I was powerless to deal with it. I was so sure that what was going on was not the will of God and yet it was happening to me. Fast forward two years. You could say my worst case scenario came to pass. You could also say this was God's best case scenario. I find myself two years later in a totally different spiritual state than I could have ever imagined. When we asked for bread, He did not give us a stone. When we asked for an egg, He did not give us a serpent. He guided us in a way we did not know, turning darkness into light, and making rough places level ground. He gave me my life back again. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record. Won't she ever drop this subject? Probably not because I forget so easily. I fall back into imagining the future as I would like it to be and then get distraught whe...

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. Psalm 118:8-9 All the way my Savior leads me; What have I to ask beside? Can I doubt His tender mercy, Who through life has been my Guide? Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort, Here by faith in Him to dwell! For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well; For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well. ~ Fanny Crosby Tomorrow is my final court date. God has been faithful and will be faithful whate'er befall me. To my brothers and sisters who have been standing with us during this trial, thank you for your prayers.

THOU SHALT NOT PANIC ! If I had a dollar for every time I projected future evil on the horizon, I'd be a wealthy woman, unfortunately. I don't know what it is (well actually I do - it's known as the indwelling sin of unbelief) but something happens and BOOM! it's as though there is no God in the universe and my fears are looming over me as big as Goliath. Thank God for sisters in Christ who very gently but firmly give me a virtual slap upside the head. Thanks, Sue, for reminding me to believe and trust in a faithful God who is in control. Another good reminder from C.H. Spurgeon: Oh, tempest-tossed believer, it is a happy trouble that drives thee to thy Father! Now that thou hast only thy God to trust to, see that thou puttest thy full confidence in Him. Dishonour not thy Lord and Master by unworthy doubts and fears, but be strong in faith, giving glory to God.

By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going . Hebrews 11:8 I don't know where I am going, literally. I honestly don't know what the next few months will hold. I may be working outside the home for the first time in 14 years. I may still be working in the home. I may continue homeschooling or my daughter may be enrolled in a local Christian school. I have no idea because anything could happen, one way or the other. Part of that scares me because it appears that my future lies in the hands of others which I don't like at all. But the truth is that my future lies in only one pair of hands. My future is in the hands of a sovereign and loving God. So here's a golden opportunity to trust Him and let Him choose for me my inheritance. He shall choose our inheritance for us , the excellency of Jacob whom he loved. Selah. Psalm 47:4 Trust in him at all times, O people;...