Tried With Fire

Listening is one of those things we take for granted and think we do well. But it's more than taking in speech through our ears. The point may not even be fixing a problem that is being presented. It's actually a setting aside of one's self and taking the time to be there for another person. 1 When I realized I needed to see a counselor several years ago, I assumed that she would tell me what to do, but she didn't. She gave me a safe and neutral space to unburden things I have never told another soul. She really didn't give much advice at all, but the blessing of having someone who actually listened to me and didn't offer platitudes or advice off the cuff enabled me to see my way more clearly than before. Having a listening ear was important when working through my issues, but I think it is a basic human need. But to listen well requires patience which seems to be a lost virtue. Given our consumer mindset, we can tailor our lives to cater to our interests ...

A friend shared a link to this article - The Mistake I Made With My Grieving Friend by Celeste Headlee, which is an excerpt from her book We Need to Talk . The article struck a chord because I want to learn how to communicate better with people. (Especially with those I love since I have flubbed it badly in the past.) My public library had Headlee's book, so I checked it out. When it comes to listening and empathizing, it doesn't come naturally. According to Headlee's research, we are much more comfortable talking about ourselves. So when the topic of a conversation becomes awkward and we don't know how to respond, we default to what are comfortable with - ourselves. Don't believe this? Then just give it a try by noticing how many times you respond to someone with something about yourself. Headlee doesn't make this a hard and fast rule because there are times when sharing our own experiences can help. However, it's worth asking how much listening and ...

Has listening without interjecting ourselves become a lost art? I finished listening to an audio version of "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. Yes I know she is secular, but I appreciate her research. In my opinion, her strength lies in identifying patterns of behavior by listening to thousands of people, which is way beyond my limited scope of humanity. At the end of the book, she describes the research process and writes this - "When I code data (analyze the stories), I go into deep researcher mode where my only focus is on accurately capturing what I heard in the stories. I don't think about how I would say something, only how they said it. I don't think about what an experience would mean to me , only what it meant to the person who told me about it." (pg. 129, italics mine) This requires a lot of self-discipline because Brown has to take herself out of the picture and objectively examine what others have said. This goes against our defaul...

During the Theology Conference Q&A , Dr. Murray stated: At the core of all empathy and sympathy is humility, that you have something to learn from someone else... The first thing you want to do is just listen. I don't know about you, but this is the opposite of what I have done, which brought back memories for my daughter and me. I was not always the best listener nor the best learner when it came to helping her through some of her struggles. There are moments when she still feels sad over this, and I have more than my share of regrets as well. Thankfully this sadness does not mean that we have we have not reconciled nor forgiven one another. The sadness does not mean that our relationship isn't stronger and healthier, which it is by God's grace. But hurts take time to heal, and grief is part of that process. I don't whether it is just me or in the larger Christian culture, but it's hard dealing with sadness. It's a normal response to want someone to fe...

Organic chemistry was a required class for my undergrad major. I hated the lecture, but I liked the lab. It was easier than my physical chemistry lab, and the TA wasn't nearly as tough of a grader as some of the other instructors. I was surprised one day to have my lab notebook handed back to me with a comment of how well I expressed myself in English. It was on the tip of my tongue to sarcastically say that English was read and written even in remote places like New Jersey, but I took pity on  him. He meant it as a compliment, which I received  rather awkwardly, although I tried to correct his wrong impression about me with the usual, "I was born here. I'm an American. Blah, blah blah." There could have been a number of factors that played into his wrong assumption. He was a grad student. He could have been running on caffeine fumes and probably had tons of work on top of a teaching assistantship. He may have come from a part of the country with very few Asian im...