Tried With Fire

I am posting at Out of the Ordinary today: I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. These are the last two lines from the poem,  Invictus , by William Ernest Henley. It's been quoted by many people throughout history as an expression of the tenacity and triumph of the human spirit. It also invokes the idea that no matter the odds, we have the ability to control our own destinies. While some may find this inspiring, this is terrifying to me. During a past trial, I was faced with the grim possibility that the outcome of my future was solely up to me. There was no one nearby who could give me the help I needed. The loneliness and being at a complete loss felt worse than the situation itself. What if I made a wrong decision? Not only could I ruin my life but also the lives of others. I was a believer, and my concept of God was better than the absent deity in  Invictus , but not by much. He was just one of many players in the drama with slightly ...

I am currently in an anxious frame of mind. I'm probably fearing what will not come to pass, but it's still a struggle. It doesn't help that a potential change in my life is dredging up feelings from the past. I'm a very different person in a very different situation from then, but anxiety is a gut response. This visceral reaction kicks in even though my rational, cognitive brain is telling me otherwise.  I happened upon this sermon by my favorite dead theologian, Charles Spurgeon, which address the root of my fear - that I am alone in my struggles with no one to look after me. Therefore, it's all up to me. I must be my own deliverer and helper. I know objectively this isn't true, but it needs to permeate the rest of me.  So this will be today's meditation. I'm also trusting that even "getting it" isn't all up to me either.  &&&&& Walking by sight is just this—“I believe in myself.” Whereas walking by faith i...

Pastor Ryan taught Sunday school yesterday on the Christian and Anxiety. I've transcribed a section below which really hit home. I learned to love the sovereignty of God during a very dark time for my family. So much evil was turned for good, that I can honestly thank God for the trial. But knowing God is sovereign doesn't necessarily make the pain go away. So it stings when it's used as a pat phrase to insensitively buck someone up in a trial or to romanticize suffering in a pietistic way. That's why I appreciate Pastor Ryan's frankness about how it can seem scary at times and his reminder that God is sovereign and the Giver of precious promises to cling to in the darkest times. You can listen here . He also wrote a booklet on the topic . "But when we think of God's sovereignty, sometimes it is very difficult because we might have been through very challenging or traumatic events, and God's sovereignty is scary. Because I went through this hurt a...

It is hard to watch people I love going through times of suffering. It's especially hard when I haven't been through it myself, so I don't know what to say. In an effort to try to relate, I may search my experience database to see if there is any commonality, but even if that is the case, situations are so nuanced that it probably isn't wise to project my experience onto someone else. In an effort to break the silence, it's tempting to say "This reminds me of ..." which may not be helpful at all. But why is silence even a problem? Job's friends gave their best comfort when they sat quietly with him and mourned. Keeping their mouths shut would have saved him a lot of additional pain. But maybe what matters isn't about how closely I can relate or even give advice. When one member of the body suffers, we all suffer. Then isn't it enough to weep with those who weep because we love them even if we don't fully understand? A simple, "I don...

Here is a link to a recent Sunday school class by my pastor, Ryan Davidson, on the Christian and Depression, and Anxiety.  He's a professional Christian counselor as well as a pastor, so he has experience with the issue. It's a 1-class overview, but I found it very helpful. This is a related post on anxiety by Rachel Miller - Anxiety: My Thorn in My Flesh

I received an email from my realtor this afternoon. She tactfully suggested a few changes regarding how our house is organized. We have unconventional pets and have our house set up in a nontraditional manner. I tried to organize the rooms to maximize the space, but other agents have suggested that we try to stage the house more conventionally. I don't think it will work. The radiators limit where furniture can be placed, and a conventional looking house will result in one that looks more cramped in the long run. Even though I have a logical explanation as to why we can't change things, my gut reaction is anxiety. It might stem from anticipating another disagreement with my ex or just irritation at having to change how we live our lives for the sake of selling the house. Either way, anxiety is sin for which I need to repent. So as my stomach is gradually becoming unknotted, I need to have this verse burned on my brain: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by pray...

We watched a video by David Powlison in Sunday School. He spoke on how we respond to those things which are outside our control and what those responses reveal about our hearts. A typical scenario of this is a traffic jam which is totally outside of our control. He gave three scenarios where you are on your way to an important meeting. To make it worse, your cell phone has just died or is between zones so there is no way to communicate with the person waiting for you. Scenario 1. What if I'm on my way to the doctor? I've just found out that I have cancer. The doctor has rearranged his schedule to meet me . I'm stuck and I'm standing him up. As I'm sitting in traffic, I imagine my entire funeral scene. Why? The logic is that because I missed the doctor's appointment, I will have missed out on some treatment, advice, etc. and therefore I will die. Scenario 2. What if I'm on the way to an important sales meeting that will make or break my finances? Scenario 3....