Tried With Fire

Why, when confronted with violence or abuse in a home, have we often placed the burden on the victim to justify her actions or somehow prove that she did not "make" him do it, rather than on the abuser to confess his sins and demonstrate change? We have frequently overemphasized the response of the abused to the exclusion of confronting the behavior of the abuser. Are we afraid he will turn his anger on us? Do we fear confrontation? Do we fear we will be accused of not holding the marriage covenant sacred? Do we really think protecting a home full of sin is keeping that sacred covenant? Do we fear standing with the oppressed?  Suffering and the Heart of God , Diane Langberg, New Growth Press, 2015, pg. 259. I have found that victims experience incredible relief, if not disbelief, when they hear me say, "If you are telling the truth, I will know it because I know what abuse is, how it thinks, and how it acts. And I will believe you, no matter who your abuser is or...

Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church , Jeff Crippen with Rebecca Davis, Justice Keepers Publishing, 2015, 208 pages. Most people would say that they would never condone domestic abuse. This is admirable. But it's also interesting that when abuse has been uncovered in a Christian setting, the first words out of someone's mouth are usually this: I would never have guessed that so-and-so was abusive. He always seemed like such a nice, godly man. Based on this typical response, we may abhor abuse and yet not truly understand its dynamics. We may not realize that abusers are master manipulators who have crafted a persona that they display to the world while acting very differently toward their victims. Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church does an excellent job in pulling down an abuser's facade and revealing the ugliness behind the mask. This book clearly details the traits of an abuser which include: Entitlement Power an...

There has been much commentary since Naghmeh Abedini went public about the domestic violence she endured in her marriage. Many are supporting her but others do not. Some question the truthfulness of her claim. Others question the need to disclose so private a matter. Either way, this situation reveals, in my opinion, misunderstanding and misinformation about domestic abuse in Christian circles. I have a more detailed post in progress, but the writing has been difficult because my heart is so heavy. In the meantime, here is a timely quote on the danger of remaining ignorant about abuse. For the record, I believe Naghmeh Abedini. I stand with abuse victims. Especially in "marriage issues," people don't like to take sides. God names horrendous sins in the Bible, and abuse is among them, perpetrated by those who disguise themselves as good religious leaders. But when we realize that this situation is in our own churches, it can turn our comfortable world upside down. Eit...

Domestic abuse is one of those problems that is rarely addressed in the church. While we know it exists out there, we prefer to believe it doesn't take place in the Christian home. Why the discomfort? I think one reason is because of this question: What if the marriage ends in divorce? These are three possible camps regarding divorce among Christians that I am aware of: No divorce for any reason whatsoever. Divorce only for adultery and possibly abandonment. Divorce for adultery, abandonment, and abuse. I stand firmly in the third camp. For an in-depth defense of this position from scripture and church history, I would refer you to these lectures by Pastor David Dykstra (ARBCA). They are worth your time, and I would do them a disservice if I tried to duplicate his seven talks in one blog post. Rather, I am going to offer two hypothetical scenarios with the hope that you will consider how your position on divorce determines how you respond. Scenario 1. A man in your co...