Averting the Apocalypse

Apocalyptic romance, that is.

I had never heard of the phrase "apocalyptic romance" until Tim Keller mentioned it in this interview. The term comes from The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker who proposed that "When you take God out of the culture, you have got to put something in His place. Apocalyptic romance was one of the ways people aspire to transcendence. So instead of salvation, romance is going to solve everything."

Although I would never have owned that romance was going to solve everything, I believed and practiced it. It's easy to do if you over-romanticize the analogy between Christ's relationship with the church and marriage. Omitting the whole counsel of God on subjects like human depravity and progressive sanctification also helps to foster this pie-in-the-sky view. I would have continued in this vein, until my marriage exploded as a result of this self-fueled time bomb. Initially, it's intoxicating to believe you've found the one person whom God has promised for that be-all and end-all relationship and vice-versa.  But in reality, you're put in a position that only He can fill and expected to deliver what is impossible. When the rose-colored glasses get shattered, the choice seems to be either falling on divine grace and persevering in humble repentance or starting over with someone else in search of marital nirvana.

Needless to say, my view of dating/romance has changed in the last 4 years.  I don't think I'm a cynic, but I am an unsentimental realist. I don't want my daughter to fall for this lie, so here's what I've tried to put into practice:

Don't hype up romance unnecessarily.  Even if it's chaste by today's standards, a teen girl doesn't need to be dreaming about Mr. Darcy or any guy for that matter. Also dating Jesus is just plain creepy IMO. He is God, the second person of the Trinity, Savior, Lord, and coming King, not her boyfriend. Jesus loves her but He is not in love with her.

Don't be naive about popular media. Just because it's "clean" doesn't mean it's neutral. Yes, it's possible to dissect a movie or book until there's no enjoyment to be had from the eviscerated remains, but blindly accepting whatever comes down the pike isn't wise either. What worldview is being portrayed? What percentage of her view of dating/romance is courtesy of the latest chick-flick vs. the Bible?  A perfect example (and my pet peeve) is "Some Day My Prince Will Come" and the Prince Charming meme that's been entrenched in our American psyche since 1937. He's an archetype, a rather shallow, 2-dimensional one, inspired by Walt Disney, not the Holy Spirit.

Don't encourage her to live for the future but to live and be content in the here-and-now. I want my daughter to get married. I would love to hold grand-babies some day, but I would be doing her a disservice if I imply that her life only has meaning once she's married.  There's no question that the world despises marriage and motherhood, but neither should those states be the objects of idolatry.

Before cracking open a book on dating:

Encourage her to get the gospel.  If we don't know who God is and who we are, we get the relationship wrong and pretty much everything else. Focusing on the big God-centered picture rather than her own story is the antidote to self-centered notions about dating, romance, life, the universe, and everything.  The gospel is rubber-meets-the-road and life-changing, But that heart change needs to occur first. Otherwise, we're left with graceless and impotent moralism. Book recommendation: The World Tilting Gospel by Dan Phillips.

Ditch agonizing over finding the "one" and trust the providence of a sovereign God. Last time I read scripture, there's only one criteria for a spouse which is being "in the Lord." And while we're at it, ditch the traditional, paralyzing, bull's-eye view of finding God's will. Book recommendation: Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung.

Teach her the biblical view of marriage including the joys and struggles. She doesn't need to be told a fairy tale; she already gets a surplus of whoppers through popular media. Also books written on dating and marriage by singles and young couples may be inspiring because of the strong emotional (read romantic) appeal, but IMO they haven't lived long enough for those ideas or relationships to be tested. I haven't read Tim and Kathy Keller's book on marriage, but it looks good.  I would recommend:  This Momentary Marriage by John Piper and What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp. (I am not in 100% agreement with Piper on divorce, though.)

Pray together and talk often. Dig into the Word and let that be the primary source that informs your view of dating, romance, and marriage. What does it say about the marriage covenant and sibling relationships in Christ? What does it say about relationships with unbelievers? What does it say about purity?  What is the purpose of these things?

In a nutshell: Repent and believe the Gospel. Love God, love your neighbor, and live to glorify Him now.