Seeking shalom

This is a very transparent confession from Jonathan Walton in Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive, and it resonates strongly with me:

When I sat in churches surrounded by those who didn't look like me, I was guarded in almost every way. I overexplained my thoughts because I feared being judged and misunderstood. I made sure to state my reasons for being presents and detailed my accomplishments and qualifications. My primary goal was not to fulfill what I judged to be their stereotypes of me...

Moreover, I was suspicious when they shared traditionally liberal or conservative views, wondering what was on their reading lists, what podcasts they listened to, and what leaders developed and influenced them... I struggled to feel seen or heard and to trust them no matter how honest they were...

Underneath my fear of being misunderstood and judged is my fear of rejection. So I rejected others first. This is false power...

Paul takes it up another level by pressing for the internal reorientation of our hearts, more commonly known as the repentance necessary to follow Jesus. Paul presses the external turns that transform our lives into windows for the kingdom of God and mirrors of Christ likeness... Seeking shalom with our families and friendships across race, class, and status is hard complicated work - but it is possible in Christ.

When I first read this section, I had to reread it several times because I can see myself. After growing up being stereotyped as a child and even an adult, I abhor it and take pleasure in puncturing those stereotypes. I may not over-explain my thoughts, but I research to the nth degree from multiple sources, the more academic the better. Perhaps I do this because I don't expect to be believed about the concerns I hold deeply unless I can reel off a list of citations. But these concerns don't get revealed very often. Fear of rejection is hard to shake off especially when you've survived emotional abuse. But remaining in this state is a hard place too. These fears can be projected on others, and rejection is assumed without giving anyone a chance to show otherwise. Been there. Done that.

But this is not as it should be. Love and trust should mark our relationships especially among the family of God. But in ourselves, we aren't this way. God has to root out the sin and bring healing and rest for our souls. Love and trust are learning processes that take a lifetime as we are being sanctified.

I still find myself on the verge of taking that step to open up, of sharing how I really feel about things, of all the depressing books I'm reading because I can't shake the sense of mourning I've had since 2016. But there have been baby steps, awkward ones, and I'm still learning. I also need to remember that Christ is building his church and expect the growing process to stretch my comfort zone. And who said love was easy? We know this in our immediate families when we can get frustrated with one another. But the commitment to love is what turns the fight to the real enemy - what would tear us apart.

For some reason two lines from two separate songs from elementary school come to mind. "No man is an island" and " Let peace begin with me." Yeah, they're corny and sentimental, but they have a grain of truth. I cannot go it alone, and I need to seek shalom. Not just for my own good but for the good of the Body of Christ.

Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive and the Truth That Sets Us Free, Jonathan Walton, IVP Books, 2019, pp. 26-27, 29.