Trust vs. pride

I was up later than was good for me and woke up before the alarm this morning with worry twinges. Although I believe in the total sovereignty of God, there are times when I revert. A thought crosses my mind that if I don't do X or Y, somehow that will hinder what God has willed. Even now sometimes dread will come over me because I did not do the right thing at the right time and in the right way. As I was lying awake and praying about this, it hit me that the root is pride. I want that sense of security that comes from my doing something rather than God doing something. I also want the sense of accomplishment even in my obedience.

Jeremiah was right to say that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. I believe that John Bunyan said that there was enough sin in his best prayer to damn him.

The flip side is when I fail and blow it, God isn't the least bit surprised or shocked. When I fail to trust Him or have mixed motives even in my desire to obey, He knows that full well. Maybe I should see these worry twinges as reminders that it is by grace alone, not of works lest I boast. Rather than deceiving myself that someday I will have overcome all of these sins, I should view events like this morning as mercy that the Lord would expose the pride and selfish motives of my heart and quickly repent rather than berating myself because I did not do better. How much better to welcome constant correction rather than think that I have got it all together.