Follies and Nonsense #59

What if the Lord of the Rings had been written by...

Gilbert and Sullivan by archerx:

I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil
I aid the bearer of the ring whose really not an Underhill
I woo the elven damsel and..
The army incorporeal,
I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil!

Charles Schultz by akapoetry:

It was a dark and stormy night.

The Nazgul jumped out from behind the bush.
"BOO!" he yelled.
(Wow! That's scary!)

Jane Austen by WarrenROP:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a chubby hobbit in possession of a magic ring must be in want of a volcano.

"My dear Mr Baggins," said his wizard to him one day, "have you heard that the Dark Tower is let again at last?"

Mr Baggins replied that he had not.

"But it is," returned the wizard; "for the Lady Galadriel has just been here, and she told me all about it."

Mr Baggins made no answer.

"Do you not want to know who has taken it?" cried the wizard impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

It was invitation enough.

"Why, my dear Mr Baggins, you must know, Lady Galadriel says that the Dark Tower is taken by a wraith of great power from the Outer Darkness; that he reembodied himself last Monday, and went down in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he took it immediately; that he is to take possession before the Michaelmas, and that some of his servants are to be in it by the end of next week."

"What is his name?"

"Sauron."

"Is he married or single?"

George Lucas by Joe Condor:

INTERIOR: Mines of Moria -- Outside Balin's Tomb -- The Bridge of Khazad-Dûm

GANDALF: You shall not pass!
BALROG: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Saruman never told you what happened to your father.
GANDALF: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.
BALROG: No. I am your father.

Shocked, Gandalf looks at Balrog in utter disbelief.

GANDALF: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!
BALROG: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
GANDALF: No! No! No!
BALROG: Gandalf. You can destroy Sauron. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule Middle Earth as father and son. Come with me. It's the only way.

Balrog puts away his sword and holds his hand out to Gandalf. A calm comes over Gandalf, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he steps off the stone bridge into space. The Dark Lord looks over the platform and sees Gandalf falling far below. The wind begins to blow at Balrog's smokey wings and the torrent finally forces him back, away from the edge. The wind soon fades and the wounded Istari begins to drop fast, unable to grab onto anything to break his fall.

For more parodies including Louisa May Tolkien and P.G.Wodehouse, go here.