I've been listening to a great talk from the 2012 Shepherds' Conference : Help! I Can't Find Dating in My Bible - How to guide singles through the fog of romantic relationship by Austin Duncan, pastor of college ministry at Grace Community Church. Although the conference and this talk is geared toward pastors, I've found it very helpful as a parent of a teen.
Pastor Duncan concentrated on the bigger picture rather than focusing on the how-to's of dating or courtship,. (In fact, he deliberately steered clear of defining those terms.) A large section of his talk was devoted to distinguishing between principles and practice. There are Biblical principles - purity, purpose, and the people involved. These principles don't change regardless of the time in which we live or the place where we live, but how they are implemented may be different. As an example, the command for a husband to love his wife is non-negotiable, but the practice of this command is not uniform. Would we dare state there is only one way for a husband to love his wife? I don't think so, but we are often quick to judge others because they don't practice the principle in the way we would. If we're honest, this holds true for dating/courtship as well. All you need to do is mention the words "dating" or "courtship", and there's a whole slew of assumptions attached to those words by speaker and hearer alike. Duncan admonished us to be very careful not to bind another's conscience to something that is only a personal preference. This can become legalistic, cause division in the body of Christ, and tread dangerously close to "thus saith the Lord when the Lord hath not said." But if we're grounded firmly in the biblical principles, we can trust the Holy Spirit will bring the application to each unique family situation.
Another critical point was borrowed convictions will not stand the test. Duncan admonished parents to be careful in taking someone else's convictions without searching the Scriptures for themselves. Strong convictions are important, but convictions not founded in the Word are shaky ground.
This talk was convicting and helped solidify some thoughts as I've been revisiting the whole dating/courtship paradigm the last few years. Previously, I was quite content to borrow someone else's convictions and practices. The methodologly of a Well-Known and Respected Christian Author (WKRCA) may have worked nicely for him/her and look quite foolproof on paper, but the WKRCA isn't going to be held accountable to God for raising my child - I am. I'm also being spiritually lazy as a parent if I'm not opening the Word to see if these things are so. Additionally, if I'm latching on to a particular method because I want a particular outcome with a reasonable rate of success, I'm setting my sights too low. God's will isn't "Your Best Courtship Now" - an error-free, painless process such that I can bask in the glow of a job well done, a fairy-tale marriage for my daughter a la Walt Disney, and then wait for the most beautiful grandchildren on the planet. No, God's will is that His glory would be seen and magnified through redeemed sinners. God's will is our sanctification, messy though it may be.
If you have teens, I highly recommend Pastor Duncan's talk and listening to it with your teen. It's thought-provoking and well worth your time.
Pastor Duncan concentrated on the bigger picture rather than focusing on the how-to's of dating or courtship,. (In fact, he deliberately steered clear of defining those terms.) A large section of his talk was devoted to distinguishing between principles and practice. There are Biblical principles - purity, purpose, and the people involved. These principles don't change regardless of the time in which we live or the place where we live, but how they are implemented may be different. As an example, the command for a husband to love his wife is non-negotiable, but the practice of this command is not uniform. Would we dare state there is only one way for a husband to love his wife? I don't think so, but we are often quick to judge others because they don't practice the principle in the way we would. If we're honest, this holds true for dating/courtship as well. All you need to do is mention the words "dating" or "courtship", and there's a whole slew of assumptions attached to those words by speaker and hearer alike. Duncan admonished us to be very careful not to bind another's conscience to something that is only a personal preference. This can become legalistic, cause division in the body of Christ, and tread dangerously close to "thus saith the Lord when the Lord hath not said." But if we're grounded firmly in the biblical principles, we can trust the Holy Spirit will bring the application to each unique family situation.
Another critical point was borrowed convictions will not stand the test. Duncan admonished parents to be careful in taking someone else's convictions without searching the Scriptures for themselves. Strong convictions are important, but convictions not founded in the Word are shaky ground.
This talk was convicting and helped solidify some thoughts as I've been revisiting the whole dating/courtship paradigm the last few years. Previously, I was quite content to borrow someone else's convictions and practices. The methodologly of a Well-Known and Respected Christian Author (WKRCA) may have worked nicely for him/her and look quite foolproof on paper, but the WKRCA isn't going to be held accountable to God for raising my child - I am. I'm also being spiritually lazy as a parent if I'm not opening the Word to see if these things are so. Additionally, if I'm latching on to a particular method because I want a particular outcome with a reasonable rate of success, I'm setting my sights too low. God's will isn't "Your Best Courtship Now" - an error-free, painless process such that I can bask in the glow of a job well done, a fairy-tale marriage for my daughter a la Walt Disney, and then wait for the most beautiful grandchildren on the planet. No, God's will is that His glory would be seen and magnified through redeemed sinners. God's will is our sanctification, messy though it may be.
If you have teens, I highly recommend Pastor Duncan's talk and listening to it with your teen. It's thought-provoking and well worth your time.
Hi Persis -- this was a great recap of what sounds like a great lecture/talk. I love the final conclusion, "...God's will is that His glory would be seen and magnified through redeemed sinners" I'll try to get this download and pass it on to a couple of parents that I know would benefit. Much love to you and Lydia! XO
ReplyDeleteHaving navigating/am navigating such issues with my children, I appreciate your link. This is an issue close to my heart, as I have seen up close and personal some of the very devastating consequences from dating too soon, and from not promoting the principles over the practice.
ReplyDeleteI think it's encouraging and helpful information even if we don't have teens. We might run into one. ;-)
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