Picking up where I left off yesterday in my review of Sex, Dating and Relationships (SDR)...
Hiestand and Thomas spend several chapters discussing the current dating paradigm. They argue that the Christian subculture, not the Bible, has invented this new category, the Dating Relationship, in addition to those of Family, Neighbor, and Marriage. There is no ambiguity in Scriptures regarding purity for the previous three. But there is potential for great confusion:
~ A false sense of security and commitment - "In the end, the commitment of a dating relationship is simply the commitment to inform the other person of one's intentions to end his or her commitment before actually doing so. Not much of a commitment. Apart form marriage (or engagement) there is no real promise, no assurance of mutual protection, and no real guarantee for abiding trust; neither party in a dating relationship has promised anything permanent."2
~ The vulnerability of women who are "left holding the short of end of the stick, giving away their hearts to men who have not yet declared their intentions and in most cases don't even know what their intentions are. "3
~ Confusing attraction with commitment - "[W]hen we start placing labels on a relationship such as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and using words such as commitment, we run the danger of creating a sense that the relationship is built upon something real and solid. But all that really exists is a current mutual attraction. A declaration of attraction is no the basis of security." 3
So what is a single Christian to do? Hiestand and Thomas propose The Dating Friendship -
1. Maintaining the guidelines of sexual and romantic purity found in the neighbor relationship. The authors offer several very practical suggestions in how to guard this.
2. Communicating clearly about one's intentions.
3. Viewing dating as an activity rather than a relationship. Dating is something you do, not who you are. "This distinction between dating as an activity and a category helps to maintain the truth that all unmarried men and women must relate under the purity guidelines established in the neighbor relationship." 5
4. Considering a relationship's exclusivity as voluntary. "Refusing to use such words (promise and commitment) in a pre-engagement relationship helps to maintain a proper perspective on the true nature of the relationship. Until a marriage proposal is offered and accepted, there can be no real commitment between an unmarried man and woman." 6
Obviously this is explained more clearly in the book as well as answers to objections. The authors also examine how the gospel needs to be integrated in every area of our lives and how that manifests in our purity. They also cover God-centered singleness for those who would prefer to be otherwise.
After being disappointed with several books on courtship/dating, I can finally recommend this one without reservation. Hiestand and Thomas' basis is biblical and grounded in the gospel. Their call to uncompromising purity is serious but rests on the grace of God for the ability to carry this out. Their tone is sensible and matter-of-fact which is a breath of fresh air after reading books that were so angst-y and romantic. Their intent is not to offer the picture-perfect courtship/dating solution but one that honors God and is realistic in its expectations.
If you're single, read this book. You may push back against what the authors have to say, but it will force you to examine your own position on this issue in the light of scripture, not just the culture. If you have young children, Gerald Hiestand wrote Raising Purity prior to SDR, which has similar material but is geared toward parents. You can download the first 2 chapters of Raising Purity at the link.
I'll leave you with a closing quote:
2. Ibid. pg. 60.
3. Ibid. pg. 63.
4. Ibid. pg. 92.
5. Ibid. pg. 97.
6. Ibid. pg. 98.
7. Ibid. pg. 141.
Hiestand and Thomas spend several chapters discussing the current dating paradigm. They argue that the Christian subculture, not the Bible, has invented this new category, the Dating Relationship, in addition to those of Family, Neighbor, and Marriage. There is no ambiguity in Scriptures regarding purity for the previous three. But there is potential for great confusion:
for when we invent our own category of male-female relationships, we are forced to invent our own purity guidelines for that category. But inventing our own moral guidelines has never gone well for humanity (think of what happened when Adam and Eve tried it, in Genesis 3, for example).1In addition, they discuss several pitfalls of the dating relationship including:
~ A false sense of security and commitment - "In the end, the commitment of a dating relationship is simply the commitment to inform the other person of one's intentions to end his or her commitment before actually doing so. Not much of a commitment. Apart form marriage (or engagement) there is no real promise, no assurance of mutual protection, and no real guarantee for abiding trust; neither party in a dating relationship has promised anything permanent."2
~ The vulnerability of women who are "left holding the short of end of the stick, giving away their hearts to men who have not yet declared their intentions and in most cases don't even know what their intentions are. "3
~ Confusing attraction with commitment - "[W]hen we start placing labels on a relationship such as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and using words such as commitment, we run the danger of creating a sense that the relationship is built upon something real and solid. But all that really exists is a current mutual attraction. A declaration of attraction is no the basis of security." 3
So what is a single Christian to do? Hiestand and Thomas propose The Dating Friendship -
A couple in a dating friendship, regardless of their attraction toward each other, doesn't pretend there is more to the relationship than is warranted. They consciously refrain from sexual and overtly romantic activity and don't become naively optimistic about the commitment level of their relationship. Thus, the main goal of a dating friendship is to explore the viability of marriage while preserving the guidelines of sexual and romantic purity required by the neighbor relationship. 4 (emphasis mine)The dating friendship contains these four components:
1. Maintaining the guidelines of sexual and romantic purity found in the neighbor relationship. The authors offer several very practical suggestions in how to guard this.
2. Communicating clearly about one's intentions.
3. Viewing dating as an activity rather than a relationship. Dating is something you do, not who you are. "This distinction between dating as an activity and a category helps to maintain the truth that all unmarried men and women must relate under the purity guidelines established in the neighbor relationship." 5
4. Considering a relationship's exclusivity as voluntary. "Refusing to use such words (promise and commitment) in a pre-engagement relationship helps to maintain a proper perspective on the true nature of the relationship. Until a marriage proposal is offered and accepted, there can be no real commitment between an unmarried man and woman." 6
Obviously this is explained more clearly in the book as well as answers to objections. The authors also examine how the gospel needs to be integrated in every area of our lives and how that manifests in our purity. They also cover God-centered singleness for those who would prefer to be otherwise.
After being disappointed with several books on courtship/dating, I can finally recommend this one without reservation. Hiestand and Thomas' basis is biblical and grounded in the gospel. Their call to uncompromising purity is serious but rests on the grace of God for the ability to carry this out. Their tone is sensible and matter-of-fact which is a breath of fresh air after reading books that were so angst-y and romantic. Their intent is not to offer the picture-perfect courtship/dating solution but one that honors God and is realistic in its expectations.
If you're single, read this book. You may push back against what the authors have to say, but it will force you to examine your own position on this issue in the light of scripture, not just the culture. If you have young children, Gerald Hiestand wrote Raising Purity prior to SDR, which has similar material but is geared toward parents. You can download the first 2 chapters of Raising Purity at the link.
I'll leave you with a closing quote:
We cannot live out our sexuality in a way that is pleasing to God apart from grace. And this grace is the very thing that God supplies us through Christ. Even as we finish this book, we are overwhelmed again by the standard to which God has called us in all areas of our lives and humbled by the many ways in which we seem to fall so short. But as Augustine has prayed, "Give what you command and command what you will." For the Christian, the Lord does not command that which he does not enable.71. Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas, Crossway, 2012, pg. 52.
2. Ibid. pg. 60.
3. Ibid. pg. 63.
4. Ibid. pg. 92.
5. Ibid. pg. 97.
6. Ibid. pg. 98.
7. Ibid. pg. 141.
Thank for this review Persis. I'll pass this along to our youth and young adult leaders.
ReplyDelete"Viewing dating as an activity rather than a relationship. Dating is something you do, not who you are." Remembering whose you are and whom you trust, as a youth, is of great importance here. In large part, our culture (which has not stopped infiltrating our Christian subculture) also sees dating this way, which leaves broken hearts and broken lives everywhere.
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