Finally!

I started reading Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach  (SDR) by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas on the strength of Kevin DeYoung's reference in Hole in Our Holiness. I was not disappointed. Finally! A book on courtship/dating and relationships that is rooted in the gospel.

The authors wrote this book out of concern for the confused views of purity among believers. One attitude can be, "As long as I don't have sex before marriage, I can decide for myself what the boundaries are because the Bible doesn't specify them." On the opposite end of the spectrum are lists of do's and don'ts, heavy on moralistic legalism but short on gospel.  Hiestand and Thomas believe there is a better, biblical, God-glorifying way than either of those camps.

In SDR, they begin with what the Bible clearly states: Marriage and the one-flesh union point to a greater reality - Christ's union with His church. This is no less than a picture of the gospel.

It is when we become one spiritually with Christ himself that we enter into both forgiveness and life. Just as a husband and wife become one in their physical life, so too Christ and the Christian, through the indwelling of the Spirit, become one in their spiritual life. Through our union with Christ, his life becomes our own. We are born again precisely because we have been united to the one who is life itself.¹ 

And since we bear the image of another. we are not free to decide for ourselves what is best for us. We must not act in ways that are inconsistent with the character of the one we portray. It is important that we live every facet of of our lives as a correct witness to the image of God. Everything he asks of us is so that we might be conformed to his image. Put another way, the Bible's commands regarding sex are never arbitrary - they are endowed with great purpose. ²

Hiestand and Thomas then advocate that the Bible divides male/female relationships into three categories: Family, Neighbor, and Marriage. In the first two groups, sexual relations are prohibited. As the Bible does not have a category between Neighbor and Marriage, any relationship between a single man and woman falls in the Neighbor group because you're not married until you're married. The Apostle Paul ties this to the Family category in 1 Timothy 5:2,. "[Treat] older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters with absolute purity" [NIV]. Basically, single guys treat single gals like your flesh-and-blood sisters and vice-versa.

Paul instructs Timothy to interact with the women of his church in a way that parallels his relationship with his biological female family... what Paul has in mind is Timothy's conduct toward the women in his life. If Timothy is committed to having a life of absolute purity, his conduct toward women in his church must be carried out within a familial framework of purity... Again, simply stated, if an activity is sexual, no matter how minor, it is to be reserved for the marriage relationship - not because of what it might lead to, but because of what is in and of itself. In sum, the standard of purity for the neighbor relationship is identical to the standard of purity for the family relationship: no sexual activity of any kind is permissible.³

The authors acknowledge that this can be a tough concept to accept. But they bring the reader back to the real meaning of marriage.

The restraint required to live out this ideal is great, particularly in a culture that cannot even begin to comprehend the relationship between Christ and his church. But we must always remember for whom our sexuality was made. It was made first for the Lord as a divine illustration of his nature and purposes. To bypass this reality and use it prematurely for our own gratification is to rob it of its significance and meaning and thus of its true pleasure in our lives. We must not take that which God has created as sacred and use it prematurely in common relationships that fall short of his intention. ⁴

That's all well and good, but what does a single Christian do to find a spouse?

I'm glad you asked. Hiestand and Thomas offer a solution to that dilemma which I will cover in part 2 of my review if I don't lose electricity. Stay tuned...

1. Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas, Crossway, 2012, pg. 25.
2. Ibid. pg. 29.
3, Ibid. pp. 40-41.
4. Ibid. pg. 46.