Lightening the Load

Walking Through Twilight: A Wife's Illness - A Philosopher's Lament by Douglas Groothuis is a book that is tragic, moving, but beautiful at the same time. The author's wife has a form of dementia that has robbed her of words, both written and verbal, due to the area of the brain that the disease has affected. This is especially painful because Rebecca Groothuis was a gifted writer, editor, and Mensa member. I have a few of her books on my shelf. Her husband, Douglas, is a philosophy professor by trade, so he writes of the sorrow, struggle, and trying to find meaning while holding on to the grace of God and the gospel. "I am hanging by a thread, but the thread is knit by God." (pg. 153)

One thing worth noting, Rebecca Groothuis is one of the editors of the Council for Biblical Equality's Discovering Biblical Equality: Complementarity Without Hierarchy. Yes, they are egalitarians. There are assumptions made by non-egals about egalitarians, sometimes even questioning their understanding of the gospel. This book demolishes those false characterizations. The author clearly has a reverence for scripture and its necessity for the suffering believer. Also as Groothuis writes of his love for his wife and the pain of seeing her deteriorate, this is a picture of Christ's love for His church. His commitment to honor his marriage vows and serve his ailing wife is beautiful to behold.

The following are a few suggestions in the appendix of the book on how to lighten the load for someone who is suffering. These suggestions are applicable for more than just the family of a dementia patient.

- Pray for wisdom before speaking or communicating so we don't add to the sorrow. "You do not say, "Are you grieving well?" to someone who has lost a spouse. We should grieve with a sorrowful heart, not ask for an internal spiritual audit."

- Avoid trying to read God's mind. Romans 8:28 is true, but "The silver lining of the cloud - if we can even find it - does not explain the full meaning of suffering.

- Learn to lament with people. Listen and identify with them. "In most cases, it is not wise to say to the suffering one, "I know how you feel." This is because you probably do not."

- Offer condolence but avoid overused phrases. Also even though it is hard to know what to say, silence can make it harder and lonelier for the bereaved.

"I am but a babe in this loving skill, suffering well with others. Will you join me in the school of lament? Will you learn to sit on the mourner's bench before God and with those whom you love?"

Walking Through Twilight: A Wife's Illness - A Philosopher's Lament, Douglas Groothuis, IVP Books, 20187, pp. 167-170.