Unwanted identity and shame

I've been listening to I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) by Brene Brown. She is known for her research in the dynamics of shame, and this book is specifically for women and shame. I don't know whether Brown is a Christian or not. She doesn't bring God explicitly into her writings at all. However, her work is very helpful because it names what many of us experience and also raises issues that may hinder us as individual Christians and/or communities.

In the section on shame triggers, Brown writes of identity as being a primary trigger but from two aspects. The first is desired identity. I want or need to be this. I want people to see me as that. If not, I have not measured up to whatever this desired identity is, which brings shame. However the second aspect is where she grabbed my attention - unwanted identity. This is the case where we are given an identity that is not truly ours by others.

Growing up as an Asian American in an era where there was inaccurate representation and hardly any representation at all, I couldn't help but remember all the times I had to correct people who thought I had just gotten off the boat, who asked where I was "really" from, who assumed I was something I am not. This stung and still stings to some degree today because I wasn't shamed for something I did. I was shamed for who I am, and that is something I can never change. This is when the light bulb really came on. Unwanted identity is the primary reason why I absolutely abhor being stereotyped. Unwanted identity can also lead to pressure to be something other than myself to fit in, but for what purpose? If God is sovereign over my gene pool and family, whom I am very thankful for, why should I change? What is driving the conformity?

I am still pondering this as I wait for a print version of Brown's book to arrive in the mail. But I think the misguided desire for colorblind Christianity is related to unwanted identity. If the world shames me for my ethnicity, why should that topic be avoided in the family of God? Wouldn't we want to affirm "every tribe, nation, and tongue?" Why does this make us uncomfortable? It's more than being colorblind. It's almost delusional to pretend my ethnicity isn't written on my face. The response could be, "I see you just as a Christian in Christ." But what does that look like? Is there a generic "Christian?" I don't think so. We are conformed to Christ but that doesn't mean we become the Borg with a uniform collective experience.

Also the pressure to conform to "biblical" womanhood fosters unwanted identity especially when much of what is touted as biblical is cultural. To put it bluntly, do I have to live or at least mimic the white, middle-class, 1950's paradigm to be a godly woman? What if I don't fit that mold? And a good number of immigrant families don't. It may be unintended, but people are shamed for this. Just read the comments and push-back for a post that questions the sanctity of this ideal.¹

For a Christian community to be there for one another, we don't minister to generic humanity. We minister to individuals who bring with them their family histories along with their personal experiences and, yes, baggage. Those don't over ride our doctrine, but they certainly affect how well we can empathize and love one another.

So how do we see one another? What do we chose to see and not see? What unwanted identities do we unconsciously (even consciously) place on one another?

Update and note (11:48 am):
1. Some do not think that these ideals are influenced by the culture. Then please consider this - Why do American Christians think that immigrant families need to act fully "American" by the 1st generation if there is no cultural influence? (ht: My daughter's acute observation.)