If you are an abuse survivor or have supported a friend or loved one through her ordeal, you know what it's like. You could be reading a blog post or a book on marriage or womanhood. You run across a passage and the first thing that flashes through your brain is, "But what about abuse?"
More often than I would like, I've run across advice that would be fine for a normal and healthy marriage, but in an abusive situation, that same advice is dangerous and potentially even deadly. It's not personal reflections that concern me. In those cases, the author is not telling anyone what to do. But I am troubled by blanket statements about what "all good Christian" women are "supposed" to do.
Case in point: A Christian Wife's Catechism. As I continued down the list, my heart began to sink specifically with these questions and answers:
Note that the author states this catechism is for wives with husbands who may be "very ungodly." What constitutes "ungodly?" According to domestic violence counselor Leslie Vernick, marriages can be disappointing, but they can also be destructive.1 There is no differentiation in the catechism but one broad category that is not clearly defined. Please keep in mind that abuse is not only physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as or even more damaging. Souls can be bruised and bloodied, too. Only in this case, the scars are hidden. Also remember what Jesus said about hatred being akin to murder and what James said on the damage inflicted by words.
Now imagine an abused wife reading this catechism. Can you see how this could be taken? These points could be used to browbeat her further and shift the blame for the abuser's sins on the victim all in the name of honoring God. She may already hear day in and day out that she is getting better than she deserves. Q&A 12 also imply IMO that if she was a more excellent wife, then blessing her husband will make everything all right. But contrary to what many people think, "[a]buse is not caused by relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behavior, but he wants you to think you can."2
You may be saying, "Of course we would never tell a woman to stay so she can get beaten." But what if it is so ingrained that she deserves even worse because she is such horrible sinner, so she resigns herself? Maybe it is so ingrained that she just needs to pray more and try harder to be a good wife and then her husband would change. Or what about remaining under the umbrella of protection? But the flip side is that any step outside of that umbrella is rebellion against God. Do you see what a Catch-22 the abused wife is in? Do a Google search on "bounded choice domestic abuse" to learn why conditioning may silence her and bind her emotionally and mentally. Sure she has a choice, but it comes with preset bounds, rather than giving her the freedom to say, "This is wrong in the sight of God, and I will not enable sin any longer." and the freedom to act accordingly.
Let me close by sharing two true stories related to me by believers I trust. In the first story, a woman was in a physically abusive marriage. Her church told her repeatedly to submit, using Hebrews 12:4 to back this up. Her husband eventually killed her and then took his own life. Their bodies were discovered by their children. In the second story, a woman checked into a battered woman's shelter after being married for decades. She died shortly thereafter from head injuries. Her death was a shock because no one knew what was going on. What do Questions 11-13 have to say to these women?
This isn't meant to be an attack against Pastor Meadows, the catechism's author. Rather this is an attempt to explain why the abuse question won't go away in my mind and the minds of many others. This is also a humble plea to my brothers and sisters who mean well but may end up hurting instead of helping. I can't take away your freedom of expression or the right to your convictions about marriage, but I would respectfully ask you to please consider the ramifications of your advice in an abusive situation. For your own sake and for those who you want to help, please educate yourself on domestic violence. This isn't a problem among "those women out there". It's inside the church-at-large.
So "What about abuse?" This isn't a hypothetical question. The lives of real women are at stake.
1. The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Leslie Vernick, WaterBrook Press 2013, pp. 7-11.
2. Lundy Bancroft quoted in "Is it My Fault?", Justin S. Holcomb, Lindsey A. Holcomb, Moody Press, 2014, pg. 21. (emphasis mine)
(For the record, I am a 1689 Reformed Baptist complementarian.)
More often than I would like, I've run across advice that would be fine for a normal and healthy marriage, but in an abusive situation, that same advice is dangerous and potentially even deadly. It's not personal reflections that concern me. In those cases, the author is not telling anyone what to do. But I am troubled by blanket statements about what "all good Christian" women are "supposed" to do.
Case in point: A Christian Wife's Catechism. As I continued down the list, my heart began to sink specifically with these questions and answers:
Q11. How good a husband is my husband to me?
A11. Much better than I deserve, and therefore I will thank God for him every day.
Q12. How good a wife am I to my husband?
A12. Much worse than I ought to be, and therefore I will confess my sins to God every day, asking forgiveness, and to my husband as needed, and continue in prayer for grace to grow into the excellent wife that God wants me to be, and that would be such a blessing to my husband.
Q13. How can I possibly love my husband so well, since he falls so short of the ideal husband, and I am such a sinful person?
A13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, even this, for I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me, and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.
Note that the author states this catechism is for wives with husbands who may be "very ungodly." What constitutes "ungodly?" According to domestic violence counselor Leslie Vernick, marriages can be disappointing, but they can also be destructive.1 There is no differentiation in the catechism but one broad category that is not clearly defined. Please keep in mind that abuse is not only physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as or even more damaging. Souls can be bruised and bloodied, too. Only in this case, the scars are hidden. Also remember what Jesus said about hatred being akin to murder and what James said on the damage inflicted by words.
Now imagine an abused wife reading this catechism. Can you see how this could be taken? These points could be used to browbeat her further and shift the blame for the abuser's sins on the victim all in the name of honoring God. She may already hear day in and day out that she is getting better than she deserves. Q&A 12 also imply IMO that if she was a more excellent wife, then blessing her husband will make everything all right. But contrary to what many people think, "[a]buse is not caused by relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behavior, but he wants you to think you can."2
You may be saying, "Of course we would never tell a woman to stay so she can get beaten." But what if it is so ingrained that she deserves even worse because she is such horrible sinner, so she resigns herself? Maybe it is so ingrained that she just needs to pray more and try harder to be a good wife and then her husband would change. Or what about remaining under the umbrella of protection? But the flip side is that any step outside of that umbrella is rebellion against God. Do you see what a Catch-22 the abused wife is in? Do a Google search on "bounded choice domestic abuse" to learn why conditioning may silence her and bind her emotionally and mentally. Sure she has a choice, but it comes with preset bounds, rather than giving her the freedom to say, "This is wrong in the sight of God, and I will not enable sin any longer." and the freedom to act accordingly.
Let me close by sharing two true stories related to me by believers I trust. In the first story, a woman was in a physically abusive marriage. Her church told her repeatedly to submit, using Hebrews 12:4 to back this up. Her husband eventually killed her and then took his own life. Their bodies were discovered by their children. In the second story, a woman checked into a battered woman's shelter after being married for decades. She died shortly thereafter from head injuries. Her death was a shock because no one knew what was going on. What do Questions 11-13 have to say to these women?
This isn't meant to be an attack against Pastor Meadows, the catechism's author. Rather this is an attempt to explain why the abuse question won't go away in my mind and the minds of many others. This is also a humble plea to my brothers and sisters who mean well but may end up hurting instead of helping. I can't take away your freedom of expression or the right to your convictions about marriage, but I would respectfully ask you to please consider the ramifications of your advice in an abusive situation. For your own sake and for those who you want to help, please educate yourself on domestic violence. This isn't a problem among "those women out there". It's inside the church-at-large.
So "What about abuse?" This isn't a hypothetical question. The lives of real women are at stake.
1. The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Leslie Vernick, WaterBrook Press 2013, pp. 7-11.
2. Lundy Bancroft quoted in "Is it My Fault?", Justin S. Holcomb, Lindsey A. Holcomb, Moody Press, 2014, pg. 21. (emphasis mine)
(For the record, I am a 1689 Reformed Baptist complementarian.)
Good post, Persis. I'm sharing it on our FB page. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the post, Barbara.
DeleteI read that manifesto post when it was linked by someone else in my Twitter feed. I was shocked and thought immediately of the abuse scenarios you address here. An important topic, a really good post. Thanks, Persis.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Lisa.
DeleteHad I read that while I was being abused, it would have been toxic. And in my case, the more I tried to submit and be a "good enough" wife the worse the abuse got. The harder I tried to not set him off, the less it took to do it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, Persis.
Exactly, Jessica. Praying the light goes on in the church about this issue.
DeleteI'm thankful God sets the captives free!